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Christwire’s Hilarious Signs Your Husband Might Be Gay

Posted by on Sep 15, 2011 in The Critic | 6 comments

Marcus and Michele Bachmann attempt to prove their critics wrong. Awkwaaaard.

Christwire is essentially an ongoing web exercise dedicated to the question, What is Jesus was the Editor in Chief of The Onion? But unlike The Onion, which has achieved nearly universal market saturation among non-morons (Sorry, Glenn Beck fans!), nobody ever realizes that Christwire is satirical. Even The Huffington Post was recently fooled. Which mean the UB tipline is basically overrun with submissions about Christwire lunacy. C’mon y’all.

We’ve gotten no less than seven submissions this week about a recent Christwire article that instructs how to tell if your husband is secretly gay. Not my husband, per say. He’s definitely a ‘mo. But maybe your husband, young lady.

We’re over arguing with you about this, so we’re giving in. For your reading pleasure, a few of our favorites from Christwire’s Is My Husband Gay?

3) Feigning attention in church and prayer groups

Have you noticed a lack of interest in spiritual issues? Does it ever seem as if he’s just using church as an excuse to spend time around young men? Does he volunteer to mentor in all-male groups?

5) Gym membership but no interest in sports

Gay men use the gym as a place to socialize and to have secret liaisons in the bathrooms. They like to work out their bodies without the competition of sports play. Afterward, they use the showers and steam rooms to engage in sexual activity beyond the prying eyes of women. If your man returns from the gym too exhausted to talk or have sex, that is a worrisome sign.

7) Strange sexual demands

Fetishism is a sign that a man is seeking a harder thrill beyond the normal intimacy of heterosexual relations. The woman may not appeal to the deep desires that are coming to the surface as the marriage drags on. If there is a sudden interest in sodomy, sadomasochism, lubricants, role-play, sex toys or other non-traditional intercourse methods, this is clearly an indication of deep emotional abnormalities.

9) Travels frequently to big cities or Asia

Some husbands will spend a great deal of money traveling far from home to hide their deplorable same-sex actions. Big cities offer indulgence of every kind. From gay bars and clubs to prostitutes and sex bathhouses, a man seeking encounters can find them easily if he’s so inclined. Is there ever really a good excuse for a husband to visit Thailand or San Francisco without his wife?

Ladies, keep your man on a tight leash in SF and Bangkok!

You can read the list in it’s entirety over at Christwire.