Man Pleads Guilty to Jerking Off All Over Customers’ Frozen Yogurt
Both of the charges stem from when Garcia was working at Sunflower Farmers Market in January and aggressively offered a female shopper a sample of yogurt. She finally tried and and decided it tasted disgusting, “like semen.” Garcia, naturally, lied about putting his personal flavor in the yogurt and now he’s in all this trouble.
To be frank, we’re left with more questions than answers here. Is “adulterating food” an honest-to-God on the books crime or something specific to this case? Did Garcia add his special sauce as a topping or was it the secret ingredient in the pre-frozen formula? And how did this escalate to a full blown crime? Did his victims each separately bring their yogurt to the police and ask for DNA testing? Do police even do DNA testing on deserts?
In any case, there’s a lesson to be learned here: Don’t jerk off on people’s food.
What? Not all lessons come in pretty little bows. Jeez…