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New Study Shows People Choose To Be Straight White Males
Who Wants to Be A Mill...err...Straight, White Male?
A recent study showed that people actually choose to be straight, white males; contradicting the accepted theory that these traits are decided by genetic and other biological factors.
In a study of over 1200 Americans, it was found that choice played a much greater role in the race and orientation of the subject than genetics did.
“I remember the very day I decided to become a straight, white male,” said Paul Flemming, one of the subjects of the study. “It was my seventh birthday and my papa told me that it was time to make some serious choices in the way my life was going.
He said I could either go with the path of Christ and stay a straight, white, little man or accept the Devil into my heart and turn gay and my skin would turn black and people would be angry at me, and I would earn less money. Then I started crying.”
Not everyone is like Paul, though. Archibald Li, for example, is a homosexual Asian-American. “A lot of people ask me about my lifestyle. They ask ‘why would I choose to be a persecuted minority?’ When I try to explain they just get bored and ask me who I think will win Project Runway.”
The following is an excerpt of the transcript of the Q&A from the press conference held by the report’s author, Dr. Christopher McKenzie, just hours after the study was published:
Q: In terms of rights, wages, and pretty much everything really, straight, white males in America have it better than pretty much anyone else. Why would someone not choose this?
A: It’s simple really. In regards to wages, if everyone were a straight, white male, or SWM for short, then companies would either have to pay more than they are now, which would hurt the economy, or they would have to pay everyone less, which would hurt the average SWM. In regards to rights, when they choose they know what they’re getting into. I guess some people just don’t like having rights as much as they like making God cry.
There are, however, many scientific institutions that disagree with McKenzie’s findings. Dr. Martin Stern, a geneticist, said, “He’s either ingenuous or just a liar. Most of his research was a survey asking [SWM’s] if they would prefer to be quote [sic] “not white or straight.” He also polled a bunch of homosexuals and non-whites and asked them if the opposite. Everyone he asked for both questions said no, so he concluded that it was a choice. That, and he claims he used to be a gay black man.
When asked to prove that he was, at one point, a gay black man, Dr. McKenzie provided photographic evidence. Upon closer inspection, the photograph was determined to be a publicity photo of Gene Wilder in Silver Streak.
