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The Bottom Whisperer: With Every Heartbeat
Dear Bottom Whisperer,
I am a gay male in college. When I was in high school, I dated a transgender gay female for nearly two years. When we were together, we decided that when we went off to college, I would refer to her using male pronouns, and call “him” my boyfriend (this was to satisfy her gender/sex mismatch kerfuffle, not because I wanted to label myself as “gay”, which really doesn’t matter to me). Really really long story short, we had a terrible breakup and falling out, and I’ve tried to get as far away from that relationship as I can. Now I am in college and when people ask me about events in high school, or when I’m telling stories from my past, I still refer to my ex as a male. Is this the right thing to do? I feel kind of weird since I no longer feel any obligation to make him happy (see, there I go again!), and I certainly couldn’t care less about any promises I made when we were together. Yet, I still feel like I should refer to him as a him, simply to honor the few happy memories of “us”. I know it’s not a monumental decision, but it’s been irking me for two years now, and I’d love some advice.
Thanks!
Seductively Nuzzling Underrated Guys, Getting Loving Euphoric Satisfaction
Hey SNUGGLES,
Great question – actually got 3 more just like it this week. Ha, I am totally kidding. Here goes nothing…. Why on earth are you so concerned with pleasing someone who you are no longer with? I think you have a green light to refer to your ex as whatever you feel most comfortable with. We had an infographic on UB recently pertaining to the very subject of appropriate reference to trans folks. It is a very touchy subject, one that is often screwed up by LGB folks.
So your ex wants to be referred to as ‘him’ and you seem to be comfortable doing just that. Your ex feels that he was born the wrong gender, a very painful and difficult thing to come to grips with. Calling your ex his PGP (preferred gender pronoun) isn’t going to change the fact that you two had a rough breakup and there is still a lot of hurt from the relationship coming to an end. Only time and honesty with yourself about the origin of these feelings will mend your heart. My hope is that you two had a lot of good times in your relationship and there was a strong bond built around love and respect. For this reason, I say refer to your ex in a way that respects him and his situation. If you feel the need to elaborate when talking about your ex and delve into the whole ‘trans issue’, that is your decision. Just realize that for your ex, there is no ‘trans issues’ he is simply living his life as he feels most comfortable.
Dear Bottom Whisperer,
First off, I am a heterosexual woman so I am not sure if I am even supposed to submit questions about my relationship. If I am, I hope that you can help out. My fiancé and I have been together for over six years. We met in college and fell in love. We dated through graduation and when I was accepted to a masters program, he told me he couldn’t imagine life without me and I brought him across the country while I got my masters. He is the love of my life… there is no doubt in my mind. I take a lot of pride in having an open and honest relationship.
A few weeks ago my laptop was on the fritz and I had to use my fiancé’s computer to complete a project. While I was on his computer I came across some interesting video clips. It turns out my fiancé is into porn featuring really large, some might go so far as to say overweight, women. There were at least 5 of these kinds of videos on his computer. I feel strange because I am petit and pretty much the opposite of some of the women in these videos. But the thought of my guy watching these videos and getting off has made me feel insecure. I am scared to bring it up because I don’t want him to think I was snooping around. I totally stumbled across these videos on accident in a download folder while doing research. What should I do?
Feel Really Evil Asking, Keeping Everything Discreet
Greetings FREAKED,
Thanks for reading The Bottom Whisperer. Just FYI, I am happy to answer questions from anyone. My (s)expertise is for all folks to utilize, whether you are a muff-diver or a sword swallower. Whether you are packing some trouser trout or a bearded clam.
I have been in a similar situation where I accidentally discovered some niche porn on a partner’s computer that was the total opposite of what I have going on. I felt insecure and was worrying about it until I realized – I do the same thing. The great thing about porn FREAKED, is that it is a fantasy. If I watch some bondage porn once in a while does it mean that I am going to want to be tied up or flogged next time I have sex? I can assure you that it is not the case. Porn just indulges a fantasy, something that pushes your buttons. Maybe your boyfriend has discovered something that really turns him on. This is in no way a negative thing, quite the opposite in fact. This is a difficult thing for women in heterosexual relationships to wrap their minds around. Men watch porn to satisfy an urge for variety that is frowned upon actually obtaining by society. When you actually look at the demographic information on pornography, some of the most popular genres are trans porn, BBW (big beautiful women) and ethnicity specific porn.
So my advice is to not make your boyfriend uncomfortable by confronting him. Maybe you can casually bring it up with him and see if you can incorporate it into your sex life. Watch some porn with your man that turns him on and make him put that crotch rocket to work. I bet you two will end up having some pretty hot sex as a result. And it beats internalizing and acting like nothing ever happened. When life gives you fetish-porn lemons, make sex-crazed, porn-driven lemonade. Best of luck!
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