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Tell-All Book Alleges Rick Perry Has Gay Sex, Possesses Tiny Penis

Posted by on Dec 16, 2011 in The Critic | 8 comments

Head Figure Head: The Search for the Hidden Life of Rick Perry was born out of a national news outlet’s summer spent collecting evidence for a piece about Rick Perry’s long-rumored gay sex life.

The unnamed publication killed the story without running it - perhaps because “he had a little dick” isn’t the sort of copy one normally reads in The New York Times or hears Anderson Cooper assert on CNN. Though a boy can dream, can’t he?

The book is now available for sale, and while we won’t be purchasing it ourselves – we’ve had quite enough Rick Perry gay talk to last a lifetime, thank you – we thought we’d share one of the dalliances as told by one of Rick’s alleged flings:

The posting asked for someone willing to unlock the door, turn off the lights, and lie face-down on the bed, legs spread. James replied to the ad, and did as instructed. As he lay on his bed in the dark, James heard someone struggling to open the door. Shielding his eyes, he ran out and opened the door…. “He jerked down his shorts,” [James said], “It lasted about a minute. He had a little dick. It was the worst fuck of my life. And on top of it all he stunk because he had been jogging. He then pulled up his shorts and put the used condom in his pocket.”

As the mystery man tried to leave James’ apartment, he struggled with the front door, which had a tendency to jam. The man started yelling for James to help him…. As James opened it…his face was illuminated, and seen by James for the first time.

“Oh my God,” thought James. “I just got fucked by Rick Perry!”

Whoa. So…uh…whoa.

But that fairytale romance is hardly the most damning interview in Head Figure Head. No, for that we turn to former Secretary of State Geoff Connor, whom Perry allegedly was caught in bed with by wife Anita Perry. When asked to comment upon the long simmering story, Connor simply replied, “I’m no longer a public official and I don’t care to comment on that. I suggest you ask Rick Perry.”

One imagines that a high profile Texas politician accused of a gay sexual relationship with the governor who doesn’t want the world to know of said gay sexual relationship with the governor might respond with a curt denial instead of a coy, “ask Rick” and a giggle. But hey, that’s just us.

In any case, this photo from Gawker pretty much sums it all up in a nutshell, don’t you think?

Do you think that Rick Perry is a secret self-hating homo?