The Bottom Whisperer: He’s Just Not That Into You
The Bottom Whisperer, the gay love guru answers your love, dating and sex questions every week! Be sure to submit your questions to [email protected]
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Dear Bottom Whisperer,
I’m a 29-year-old gay man living in New York City. I’ve been seeing this guy for about 4 months now. We see each other once or twice a week, we talk on the phone an additional few times a week and exchange text messages regularly. I get along really great with this guy but I just don’t see it taking the next step and it getting serious between the two of us. I feel like if I keep waiting it out, one of us will initiate ‘the talk’ and we can figure out where this is going (if it is in fact going anywhere).
He is a great guy. We have similar interests and have had some very nice dates. All of my friends that have met him like him. I am going to be honest here when I say that I just don’t get that excited to see him. And the physical part of our relationship isn’t terribly excited. I am a creative person and I just wonder if my lack of enthusiasm is a result of a creative funk that I have been in. I’d appreciate your wise words on this matter.
Strongly Need One’s Opinion, Zero Enthusiasm
Let me help you clear up this dilemma my friend. You are dating a guy that you just aren’t that into. No amount of romantic dates, texts, chats with the BFF’s is going to change this. Suppose he came to you tomorrow and wanted to have a DTR (define the relationship). If he told you he wanted to be exclusive and kick things up a gear, is this really going to change the way that you feel about him? Let me help you out here – you clearly aren’t feeling this relationship and it is time for you to move on.
The thing that I think is keeping you around is that your date looks good on paper. What I mean by this is that you hang out with him and he looks like the kind of guy you think you want to date. He probably has a good job, is age appropriate, attractive. Having been there myself, I too have been baffled as to why I just couldn’t get on the relationship train with a guy who looked good on paper. When it comes to matters of the heart SNOOZE, it isn’t so black and white. You have to have chemistry with someone if you want some sparks in the bedroom and in the relationship. I say it is time to clear the air with this guy and let him know that you’re just not feeling the relationship. Since you have been seeing each other for 4 months, you owe him an honest chat. It might sting a bit for him to hear that you just aren’t feeling him, but in the long run he will appreciate the honesty as long as you tell him in a sensitive, constructive way.
Might I suggest going after guys who look good on paper and get you excited to spend time with. It will help you steer clear of this same situation in the future. This is the part of the column where I say something like ‘There are a lot of fish out there’ or some completely bullshit words of encouragement. Best of luck! It’s a jungle out there! Keep your head in the game and don’t pull on Superman’s cape!
Dear Bottom Whisperer,
I am a thirty-something gay trans-male who has been hooking up with guys off various gay hookup sites for the past few years. As a gay trans-male it can be difficult to find other gay men who are into what I have (or rather don’t have) to offer. I always make it explicitly clear that sexually I am a bottom. I don’t have a prosthetic penis and have zero desire to have one. I also have a decent set of breasts, which I usually compress in day to day life. Recently I was hit up by a guy online who was confused why I identified the way that I do. His question for me was something to the effect of “Since you enjoy getting fucked anyway, and don’t feel the need to pack a prosthetic penis, why not hook up with straight guys? You might have some more luck that way.”
This got me to thinking about what he said. It is really hard to make quality connections with guys. Often they find my lady parts to be a dealbreaker. Wouldn’t I have a lot more success presenting myself as a woman and finding guys who want to have anal sex with me? I guess I just am feeling a bit worn down with the consistent judgement I receive on these gay hookup sites. Any pointers for a gay trans-male who is looking to have it dug out once in a while?
Dig Unpretentious Guys – Others Understanding Trans
Thanks for the great question. First of all, these guys online who suggesting you misrepresent yourself in your pursuit of butt-play need to take it down a level. There is plenty of cock to go around.
That said, it is understandable that the presence of your female anatomy might discourage some gay men from wanting to hook up with you. But much like bottles of wine, gift boxes and Easter eggs – it is what’s inside that counts. If you feel like you are a man that loves men and loves to bottom, then own it. Not everyone is going to be into it, not everyone is going to understand your situation. Who cares? I would warn you to take a look at where you would like to see your interpersonal relationships going in the next few years and then see if your current indulgences are constructive in helping you achieve these goals. Broken down in easier terms – if you want to have a boyfriend or date more then hooking up on the regular might not be the best way of achieving these goals.
In addition DUG-OUT trans driven erotica is one of the largest selling genres of adult entertainment. There is no shortage of guys out there who would love nothing more than to take you for a ride. Finding these men is just a bit of a challenge. One that you should feel empowered to take head on moving forward. Please stay true to yourself and be safe in your escapades. Best of luck!