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Heard About the Gay Man Who Got a Call While His Phone was Stuffed Up His Butt?

Posted by on Jan 25, 2012 in Real Talk | 28 comments

"Can you hear me now?"

If you haven’t heard the one about the “homosexual male who had a cellphone lodged in his amus [sic] when it started ringing,” don’t sweat it. It’s not true.

But a little thing like the truth isn’t going to stop anti-gay activist Patrick Wooden from telling Peter LaBarbera the story during an interview.

One gets the impression that this interview was conducted over the radio so as to hide the enormous erections in both of these men’s pants as they talk dirty to listeners, don’t you think?

Wooden tells listeners:

The anus doesn’t work that way. This is one of the reasons why male homosexuals place larger and larger objects in their rectums. I know of a case where in the hospital a homosexual male had a cellphone lodged in his amus, anus. And as they were operating on him – Man, the phone went off! The phone starts ringing. 

Wooden goes on to detail other objects and animals – bats and gerbils, respectively – that homosexuals regularly incorporate into their lovemaking.

A 30 second trip to Xtube of course tells a different, much more encompassing story about the sometimes absurd sexual habits of human beings. It is straight men and women who in fact are statistically more likely to be into the kinks Wooden describes. And as there are several billion more heterosexuals than homosexuals on the planet, it’s safe to say that the far majority of bat-assplay homeruns are hit by straight men and women.

Phew! There’s a bit of a research you don’t expect to be doing when you wake up in the morning.