The Bottom Whisperer: Deeper and Deeper
The Bottom Whisperer, the gay love guru answers your love, dating and sex questions every week! Be sure to submit your questions to [email protected]
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Dear Bottom Whisperer,
Big fan of the column! Figured you could give me some help with an issue that has come up recently.
I was one of those guys who came out later than most so I am new to being gay and I have my moments where I feel like I’m not very good at it. My dating experiences have been okay. I am really into Asian guys so all my dating and guy on guy sex experiences have been with them. I always top so preparation has never been much of an issue for me. I recently met a guy who I really like but he told me he is more on the top side as well. We’ve been dating a few weeks and haven’t had intercourse yet. I am a bit in the dark about how guys get ready to bottom. I’m too embarrassed to ask any of my friends for advice on how to bottom. I started to breach the subject with a friend but I felt like I was just so in the dark about it that I played it off and decided to get your expert advice.
Many thanks and keep up the good work!
Managing Reason. Can Learn Exact Areas Needed
I wish there was a gay boy handbook that we got upon coming out which detailed all the things we need to know to get through this thing called life. Things like how to clean up before engaging in anal sex would probably be a whole chapter in the front of this gay boy guide book.
I myself was taken under the wing of a lover in my early 20s. He explained to me how to get ready to bottom. Most boys just thing ‘Go for it and hope for the best’. This might work if you never eat or catch it at the right time of day but for most gay men, you have to bite the bullet and douche. Go to your local adult store or order a douche off of the internet. More than likely the box will have directions on how to best get ready for the deed but I can give you a few pointers to help make it a successful experience.
First, use warm water. Not too hot as you don’t want to hurt yourself, and not too cold as that just doesn’t sound comfortable. Secondly, give the backdoor a little warm up with some lube so that the experience of sliding up there is as pleasant as possible. Third, make sure you are relaxing and not straining through this whole process as you don’t want to cause any damage back there. This is a very sensitive area and it is important that you treat it accordingly, especially as you begin bottoming and getting acquainted with getting pleasure back there.
Last but not least, always use protection when bottoming. The risk of transmitting an STI is much greater as the bottom. Please make sure you are up to speed and have done your homework before you start taking it in the butt. It can be a really amazing experience and I hope that your partner and you click in that right way that blows your mind. Remember to have lots and lots of foreplay to get ready for it and lots of lube to get it going. Best of luck! Happy bottoming!
Dear Bottom Whisperer;
My fiance and I are temporarily in a long distance relationship while he finishes up college. He is an avid gamer and is going to school to program for the company he loves, which I think is great.
Since we’re in a long distance relationship, our only communication is on the phone. At night, when he’s not distracted by anything else, we can come up with everything in the world to talk about until we’re talking way past bed time. If I call him during the day, though, he will not just talk to me. He has to be surfing the web or playing his game. Sometimes it’s okay, but most of the time I’ll be telling him about this or that and halfway through, he’ll exclaim something along the lines of “No!!! I almost got away! Come on!”. Usually he can recall what I was talking about, so he claims that he was paying attention, but I can’t imagine he’s actually paying attention if he’s interrupting me in the middle of my words. We’ve discussed this a hundred thousand billion times and he argues a little, then gives up and says that he’s sorry. Next phone call though, he’s back online. I’ll be telling him about something and he’ll burst out laughing because he read something funny. What can I say or do to get the point across that it bothers me? We’ve discussed it so many times that I’d think he’d get it, but he just does it again and again! I’m starting to feel like I’m really, really boring or something. Help?
Boy Only Reacts If Not Gaming
It seems to me like folks tend to lose sight of the big picture in relationships. You said that you and your fiancé have this awesome relationship. It also sounds like you guys support each other’s happiness outside of what the two of you can control, I think this is especially important and symptomatic of a solid, healthy relationship.
If you are having trouble communicating with your guy during the day, and you have mentioned that it bothers you a bunch of times but are not happy with the response, you have a few options. First, you can tell your fiancé that his inability to effectively communicate with you at times is something that really bothers you and makes you feel small and unimportant. Second, you can simply keep your communications light during the day when you know he is distracted and save more serious conversation for the evening time when you two seem to really click.
To me, when I am with someone and they display consistent behavior, I do my best to accept it and not try to change it. I am just observing here that you are really happy in your relationship but this one thing bothers you. Chances are it has less to do with the fact that you are boring or that he doesn’t want to listen to you when you guys talk during the day and more to do with the fact that he is busy with class or other things. Either way, don’t let one small imperfection with your partner derail the special thing that you have. Change your behavior and don’t expect him to change his if you can deal. Knowing when to pick your battles in your relationship will pay off in spades in the long term.