Oklahoma Senator Adds Satirical ‘Every Sperm is a Person’ Amendment to Bill

Posted by Kevin Farrell on Feb 9, 2012 in Politics | 10 comments

In a (successful!) act of protest against the ridiculous various personhood bills floating around landlocked states in our country, Oklahoma State Senator Constance Johnson (D) added an amendment to a bill seeking to outlaw all forms of birth control that has taken on a life of its own.

Johnson’s bill evokes Monty Python’s famous song “Every sperm is sacred” and makes masturbation, oral sex, anal sex, or being a sleeping 14-year-old boy (if you know what I mean…) illegal.

State Senator Constance Johnson of Oklahoma City has served Oklahoma’s 48th Senate District since 2005, but it was yesterday’s introduction of Senate Bill 1433 that really pushed her over the edge. The bill sought to define human life as beginning at the moment of conception, before it’s even implanted in the womb, and offers full legal protection to those tiny multicelled lumps. In the words of the bill, “the unborn child at every stage of development (has) all the rights, privileges, and immunities available to other persons, citizens, and residents of this state.”

Johnson submitted an amendment of her own to the bill, which would have added the language, “However, any action in which a man ejaculates or otherwise deposits semen anywhere but in a woman’s vagina shall be interpreted and construed as an action against an unborn child.”

Sperm are people too, y’all! Except that they totally aren’t. Just as every cluster of cells with the potential to become a person is not yet a person.

Women deserve a say in how their own bodies are governed. And both men and women deserve the right to protect themselves from parenthood long before they are ready. The various personhood bills being drafted across America – or even Rick Santorum’s promise to allow bans on all forms of contraception in many states – seek to reduce the power all people possess over their own lives.

Big thanks to Senator Johnson for so effectively putting these GOP-led efforts on blast. Snaps!

(via UB reader and total babe, Eric R.)

Emily

OMFG I have been trying to find this movie forever. Also, I loved the recent bill that was added to by another Dem that was originally to force all women (can’t remember which state or if it was fed, but pretty sure I read it on UB) getting an abortion to pay out-of-pocket for an ultrasound – and amended to make all men seeking ED drugs to unergo a cardiac stress test and rectal exam at their own cost. Obviously women are fed up with this shit, it’s getting (has been) ridiculous for a long time.
http://www.facebook.com/hellenahandbasquet Matthew Cope

Conversely, every egg is sacred. So every time a woman’s body rejects one, fertilized or not, she should be in violation of the law. It would behoove her to attempt to have it fertilized. I suggest having open breeding season at your local Jail/Prison so that if she fails to conceive, they can just keep her. Also this would be helpful in not having to separate women from men in the penal system (ha ha “penal” ha ha). Also this would drop the rape rate since women would just be giving it away. Of course Gay men would still be criminal so we should lock them up too since they can not conceive. Wow, With masturbaters, Gay Men, and All women, Girls over the age of 12 (and they should be having sex by the age of nine since girls are getting their cycles earlier and earlier) would all be in jail, it would be up to the Straight God fearing christian non ejaculating men to support the taxes for such an endeavor. Works for me. Have at it Mr. Santorum!
http://www.facebook.com/Weedmon Cody Garcia

if it were to pass there would be a lot of chicks out there getting raped cause the guys don’t want go to jail :u
http://twitter.com/jeffstarke James Starke

The average ejaculate holes anywhere from 2-5 MILLION sperm. So no matter what you do, you’re going to be killing anywhere from 1,999,999-4,999,999 sperm if you don’t have sex the way God intended, according to the Conservatives.

Kevin Webb

Unless you conceive twins. Then you’ve only killed 1,999,998.

Does it count as murder if I spend 30 minutes in a 106 degree hot tub? That would lower the count, would it not?

http://www.facebook.com/people/Erica-Cook/100000628613592 Erica Cook

okay so there is one flaw in the reasoning. At least by the logic of the pope. He was killing a baby every time he diddled a boy because he seamon wasn’t going into a woman.
http://www.facebook.com/people/Andrew-Lopez/632230510 Andrew Lopez

If ANYTHING each sperm and egg is on half a person because each of those cells have only half the chromosomes that can potentially make a person.

Regardless, each of those reproductive cells don’t even fit the requirements for life by themselves as it is.

So no. Each sperm and egg is not a person.

/end nerd rage
Ignatius Reilly

Ironically, if the amendment passed, it would give all LGBTQ’s perfectly equal rights…right up until they’re born.
http://www.facebook.com/people/Breanna-Lloyd/773564609 Breanna Lloyd

but everyone is in violation because there isn’t just one sperm going for making a baby, only one can enter the egg so billions of sperm die. and what if it doesn’t work the first time?
Morgan Green

But sperm IS life! Family Guy told me so! And you know there were idiots in the house who probably thought her addition was a great idea because it would defeat abombinations like sodomy and masturbation. She deserves a good pat on the back.

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