Tags

The Secret Homosexual Handshake – Baptists Beware!

Posted by on Feb 12, 2012 in The Satirist | 36 comments

The super smooth satirists masquerading as nutty nutjobs masquerading as good Christians over at Landover Baptist Church have issued a Gay Pride Action Alert, y’all. Apparently covert homosexuals have infiltrated the Baptist Church and are spreading their same-sex attractions through – GASP! – handshakes.

If you’ve shaken hands with a homosexual, Landover warns that you IMMEDIATELY contact a Baptist pastor to report the gay invasion that’s been forced upon your heterosexual palm.

But how will you know if you’ve touch a homo’s hand? Landover breaks it down in this handy guide to the secret homosexual handshake.

To be perfectly honest, we’re just surprised that Landover didn’t name blowjobs as the secret homosexual handshake. If you’re going for baseless homophobia – and let’s be honest, those who use religion to defend their actions against us usually do – why not go all the way? Landover Baptist Church is of course the group that warned that 240,000 people go to hell every single day.

While LBC may be satirical, this warning perfectly encapsulates organized religion’s war on the gays these days, don’t you think?

In any case, we’ve never had out palms molested like this before. Have YOU ever used the Secret Homosexual Handshake?

(via UB reader and total babe, Brandon M.)