The Bottom Whisperer: Bizarre Love Triangle
Greetings friends and loved ones, we are gathered here today to get our learn on and do some sexy talk. Submit your own questions to The Bottom Whisperer at [email protected]!
Ring the bell, let’s get this thing started!
Why do so many “frank” discussions about sex seem to devolve into “be afraid of sex” lectures?
Your statements in last week’s column of your opinion on the issue of sex without a condom devolved to fear based anecdotal statements and saying “why take the risk”. I am not agreeing or disagreeing with your statement, just how it was made. We have all had “be afraid of sex” statements and imagery pushed upon us, for our entire lives. You had a choice, to give a well-reasoned argument that provided actual fact, that could be checked or to say…be afraid. A well-reasoned argument does not need to be long. So, my question is this: Why do you prefer to have only safe sex? What is the risk comparable to?
Critic With No Good Acronym
Thanks for the thoughtful question about my response in last week’s column. I’m sorry if you didn’t like my answer or my revelation that I only practice sex with condoms, even in a relationship. Perhaps you would have been more comfortable with some links to CDC reports and some stats on how many new STI infections there were in 2011. I maybe could have talked about how there are some areas of Washington D.C. that have HIV infection rates on par with many Sub-Saharan African countries. But to be honest critic, I am not here to shake a finger and spout of statistics that most people with the Internet and a television have seen for themselves.
I am disappointed that you interpreted my message of “Educate yourself and make a thoughtful decision” as “Be afraid!”. I prefer to take a more personal approach to responding to my questions. Since I get a lot of questions from young gay, bisexual, queer and questioning men and women, I feel more comfortable addressing them as I would a friend, confidant or family member. I am by no means telling people to do one thing, instead I simply am presenting a few options. In last week’s column I shared that I choose not to have unprotected sex, even in a relationship. That is my choice and a point of view that someone might also consider. I try my best to encourage people to make good life choices, whether that be in handling conflicts in interpersonal relationships or matters of sexual health.
I’ll try not to get too far off track here. In wrapping up your criticism you asked me what I would compare the risk of unprotected sex to… does there really need to a comparison? I take responsibility for my health and well being by having regular STD screenings and engaging in protected sex. No need to compare the dangers of unprotected sex here, I find it just to be common sense. Sorry if you disagree!
Dear Bottom Whisperer,
I have two amazing best friends – guy and girl respectively. It used to be that we did everything together. Three Amigos type stuff. Long story short, I fell in love with the guy, but this is not really the point of my decision to write to you. A few months ago they told me that they had started dating. While bummed, I put my own feelings aside and decided to be a good friend. I have been supportive and understanding and tried to help them both through the last few months of the myopic drama that has come into their lives as well as the adjustments that come when friends become lovers.
Most recently I have started helping her out financially because he was having trouble supporting them both (she lost her job, part of that drama I was talking about). I didn’t care about any of that until a few days ago when I realized, in a fit of spontaneous insight, that they don’t really include me in their plans any more. If we all do something together it’s because I was asking if they wanted to hang out. When they make plans it’s always the two of them and I might be tagged on as an after thought. Never used to be like this! I understand that people in relationships want their alone time, but I feel like I have been excluded from the good times. And when I am included it’s because I am helping pick up the pieces.
Is that what a good friend is? Am I just being whiny, because the girl got the guy and I got left holding the purse? Am I doing this all to myself or is there something actually wrong with this picture? Yes, I still love him, but I thought the point of really being in love is making sure that the one you love is happy. I want them to be happy, but I don’t want to wake up one day and realize that I’ve done myself an injustice. Should I move on? Help!
Suddenly Outside Looking On As My Insides Go Off
Heya SOLO AMIGO!
Thanks for the great question. Caught in a bizarre love triangle, are we? Girl, who are you kidding? You said at the beginning of the question that you fell in love with this guy but it wasn’t important pertaining to the question. Wakey wakey, eggs and bacon! This has everything to do with the question. You aren’t made of steel my friend! You totally crushed on this guy, fell in love as you put it. Don’t you feel betrayed by the fact that your two best friends ignored your feelings and decided to engage in a romantic relationship? Of course you do. Whew, now that we have that out of the way…
You were in this really positive friendship dynamic and now things have changed. Homeboy and homegirl and doing the romantic thing that means a lot less hanging out with other people. This is what people do when they pair up and really like each other, they want to spend every waking moment together. Now you seem to be trying to carry that Three Amigos torch by being there for them all the time and putting their needs and well-being above your own. It doesn’t work like this anymore. Your friendship with the two of them has changed. You have to accept this and do what is best for you. Your guy friend has found a person he wants to be with and you are feeling a bit jilted. Accept this and move forward being his friend and understanding that you two are not going to happen as anything more than friends. Move forward with your girlfriend knowing that now you have to hear about her and your man-crush’s relationship. If this new dynamic doesn’t work for you, then you might consider not hanging out so much. They both clearly are focusing more on strengthening their relationship with one another and you are justified in feeling left out in the cold.
Might I offer one small bit of advice SOLO AMIGO, straight guy friends don’t make great boyfriends. There are a few reasons why, the first of which is they are not gay. I know you probably enjoyed spending time together but if he isn’t gay, it isn’t gonna work. Even in the instances where straight guys decide to experiment, wouldn’t you rather be with someone who is open and accepting of his attraction to men? You deserve better than to be chasing after guys who, while they might really like you as a friend, have zero romantic interest. Make the choice to only go after emotionally available guys and this will reduce much frustration in your life and also make you a better friend because you won’t be putting romantic pressure on your straight guy friends.
Thanks for the great question! I hope this helps! Remember – gay boys –> good dating option, straight boys –> bad dating option.
Thanks for the great question! Happy humping and best of luck!