The Bottom Whisperer: Hot For Teacher
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Now let’s get this party started, momma’s over half way through her box of wine and I’m ready to drop some ‘know how’.
Dear Bottom Whisperer,
I am going to graduate from high school, and I already have my roommate picked out. We have talked a lot, and we even met in person once. He seems like a really great guy. But! He, like me, is gay. Total queers here. We joke about having sex, constantly. But! Are we really joking? Or are we going to f*ck each other’s brains out on the first night? I really don’t know if there is anything wrong with that. Honestly, I am single, a virgin, and really horny. I wouldn’t have sex just to have sex. Like I said before, he seems like a great guy. Tell me, should we pursue a relationship, just stay friends, or occasionally have some sexy time on the side?
Severely Horny Or Unassuming, Lovey Dovey Imbecile?
Greetings SHOULD I!
In a word, no, you should not have sex with your roommate. Let me try and shed a bit of light here SHOULD I, you really, really do not want to bang your roommate and there are about a million reasons why. For starters, you have to live with this person and see them multiple times a day. Hypothetically speaking, if your slap and tickle means more to one of you and you start wanting to take things to the next level, what if it is not reciprocal and you suddenly find yourself living with someone who is jilted and wants to punish you for not liking them back? What is you two bang and later that afternoon you walk in and he’s on all fours for the guy down the hall?
There are so many reasons why you should not bang your roommate that it is making my teeth hurt. While we are on the subject, don’t bang your neighbors either. It just makes for a more harmonious living situation when you haven’t fucked your neighbors.
Ok real talk, you are going to college and there will be so many hot and horny boys who don’t sleep on a bunk right above you that you can sleep with. It is okay as a human being to compartmentalize people and in this case, your roommate should simply be a person whom you cohabitate with and occasionally talk about your day with. I can tell you that nowhere in the feng shui book does it tell you to reverse cowgirl your roomie, and with good reason. Stay classy and keep it platonic with the roomie. You will be so glad that you did! Happy humping (people other than your roomie!)
Dear Bottom Whisperer,
When I was a senior in high school my English teacher quit her job and was replaced by the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen. He and I did major eye flirting and even my friends noticed his obvious fondness of me. I’ve had crushes before but this felt so much stronger than that, so strong I was willing to better my self in every way and very unconditional to where I would of settled for just friendship, anything to have him around and know he was well. I gave him a letter letting him know how I felt the last day of class and he gave no reply.
It has been two years since that happened. He is nine years older than me, I know teachers have a reputation to hold but I’d like to have someone else’s perspective on this as far as the situation and what I should do. Should I forget about it and date others or continue to hold out hope for the future with him. I’m really into him, I’m always dreaming about him and he feels like the one. Maybe it wouldn’t be called love with out the crazy circumstances but I’m in dire need of advice. Thank you!
Help Out Things 4 Thoroughly Confused Here Rightfully
Boy, the theme for the column this week seems to be questions about people who you should 150% not sleep with. I hear you that you are totally hot under the collar for this beautiful man who was your teacher. Understand that teachers who engage in relationships deemed inappropriate with students lose their jobs and never get to work again. Add this to the fact that your teacher is almost 10 years older than you and I think it is not a great match for romance. We should probably file ‘teacher’ in the ‘Who Not to Date’ database after ‘neighbor’ and ‘my friend’s ex’ and before ‘straight guy friend’.
You said you let your teacher know about your feelings and have not heard back from him. It is safe to say that this is a clear indication that he is not interested in pursuing a relationship with you. Time to move on and find someone more appropriate to date. Understand that there are policies in place preventing teachers and administrators from having relationships with students, and with good reason. You two are in very different places in life. You deserve to be with someone who understands you and your current situation in life and can support you, and vice versa. So my advice is to find someone your age, maybe a peer or someone in your friend group and give it a stab. Besides, there is no such thing as ‘the one’ rather, there is a select group of people, similar to a group of ninja assassins, we’ll refer to them as ‘the club’, whom you can and will go head over heels when you meet. So quit spending time with unrequited love for Professor Hot-Pants and get to work searching for your ninja assassin of love. Happy hunting and humping!