The Bottom Whisperer: I Wanna Be Your Lover
Something keeping you up at night? Send me a question! You might just see it in next week’s column… [email protected]!
Now let’s get the train out of the station.
Dear Bottom Whisperer,
Big fan of the column! Thirty-something woman living on the East Coast here. My younger brother graduated from college last year and took a job across the country. He has never had a girlfriend and always has kept very quiet about his personal life.
Our parents are both conservative and go to church every Sunday and we were raised with similar conservative values. When I moved in with my boyfriend whom I had been seeing for 2 years, my parents were quick to let me know that they did not approve.
Anyways, the reason I am writing is because I think my parents’ moral judgment has put my brother and I in a difficult place. I believe my brother might be gay or at least questioning his sexuality and felt like he needed to move across the country to hide who he is from our family. My question is, how do I go about bringing this up with him? I want him to be happy and feel loved and supported, even if our parents are quick to shake a finger when we don’t live our lives the way they think is appropriate.
Perplexed Over Natural Discussion Entering Reality
Thanks for the great question. Generational differences have always been a huge issue between parents and their children. It feels like nowadays things are more exacerbated as parents’ memory of what it was like to grow up is so different from what kids deal with today. In your parents’ perfect world, you would have both grown up, gone to college and settled into a career where you would work for the next 30 years or so.
Of course you would have married your high school sweetheart as a virgin and began popping out kids whom you would raise to be outstanding Christian members of society. It isn’t that mom and dad are mean, they simply want the best for their kids. The hardest part of parenting is letting your kids go off into the world to begin discovering who they are and how they are going to live their life. Don’t be angry with them as their disapproval is simply a misguided attempt to prevent you both from making bad life choices.
As for kid brother, he has moved across the country and withdrawn himself from the family. This is not an uncommon thing for men as we don’t always like dealing with things emotionally and withdrawing is so much easier than being self-aware. There is no reason that you should get lumped in with the parents in the family dynamic here. Tell your brother how you feel about him, that you love and support him no matter what.
Messages like this go a long way and people should really give out more of them. Your brother might be sweating bullets over what mom and dad are going to say about his life decisions, why not be a part of the support group that helps him feel a sense of stability and confidence in himself? Get on a plane and go visit him, make an effort, meet his friends.
There’s no guidebook to being a good sibling here so you might just want to put yourself in his shoes and ask what it is you would want your older sister to do to show you that she is there for you. Best of luck!
Dear Bottom Whisperer,
I am a 34-year-old gay man living in Southern California. I have a great job, awesome friends, a loving supportive family and last year I purchased my first home. I really love my life but there is one thing missing… another person to share it with! I have done internet dating, blind dates, speed dating, hooking up. You name it, I’ve tried it in the pursuit of love.
To compound matters, I seem to be attracted to athletic jock type of guys and I am overweight and not athletic in the slightest. I am starting to wonder if I am going to spend the rest of my life alone. I haven’t even been excited about anyone who I have met in a very long time. I have had one serious boyfriend for about 18 months but that ended over 5 years ago. What’s wrong with me?
Believe In Good But Obviously Not Enjoying Dilemma
Thanks for being a reader and submitting the thoughtful question. When I started reading your question I was feeling inspired. You clearly have a lot in your life to be thankful for. Things took turn for the worse about half way in when you brought up your lack of companionship and some self-esteem related issues pertaining to your personal fitness.
What I am trying to say here BIGBONED is that a lot of people would love to be in your shoes. You have a great family and awesome friends and a career path that gives you fulfillment. So I am curious why you feel so focused on the lack of a relationship? Being in a relationship is more important to some people than other so I am not shaking my finger here. I believe it is always when you aren’t looking that you manage to meet someone who catches your interest.
Now on to the second part of your question, the fitness dilemma. Please, please, PLEASE do not buy into this appearance driven idea of how you have to look to meet people because it is complete BS. There is someone out there for everyone, I really do believe that. And if you aren’t happy with how you look, then do something about it. Don’t do it to fit in or attract more of the jock type guys that you want to date, do it because you value yourself and want to live a long, happy life when you finally meet your dreamboat of a man.
And if internet dating and all the other things you are trying aren’t working out, give them a rest. But I suggest exploring other avenues for socializing and meeting people. Being in SoCal there have to be gay activity groups that you can check out. Why not combine your desire to become more fit with a means of making more friends? Join a GLBT hiking or skiing group or even gay yoga!
What I am getting to here BIGBONED is the energy and effort you have been putting into finding someone could just as easily go into meeting people and expanding your social circle which is only going to benefit you in multiple ways in the long run. I look forward to the follow up email in a few months where you are FIGHTINGFIT. Happy humping and best of luck!