The Bottom Whisperer: Fire With Fire
As always, I want to hear from you so shoot me an email at [email protected]! Let’s get to this week’s questions!
Dear Bottom Whisperer,
I’m a 21-year-old gay male. I have been through ups and downs with relationships, including LONG term and even the common hook ups. I started dating at the age of 15 and since then I have never been alone until this past summer. I have always lived my life around whomever I was dating and never really took care of myself. I was always the one who got hurt or got cheated on. After my last break-up I joined the armed forces to get away from everyone and start fresh somewhere else. Now that I have been single for about 10 months, I started to reflect and ponder about the whole relationship thing and now I find myself hating everything about dating; the movies, the dinners, the walks, the sex. I have become a bitter person and I am scared this feeling will last forever. I genuinely want a partner somewhere at the end of my road, but as of now, I despise gays in general. HELP!
Disgusted About Dating Tramps
Thanks for the thoughtful question and being a TBW reader. Reading your question there are a few things that jumped out at me so how about we go over them and I can offer some advice. Firstly, it sounds like you have enjoyed varying degrees of relationships for a few years now. I would take a gander that you have been with people whom you cared about very much, and people who you simply were attracted to for different (physical?) reasons. One thing that was a bit of a red flag when reading your questions DADT was the statement “I was always the one who got hurt or got cheated on”. I believe that this is a defeatist attitude and one that might be the root of some of your distaste to be with anyone right now. Because you have started to believe you won’t find anyone who cares for you as much as you do for them, and that they will all screw you over, it makes perfect sense that you don’t really have any desire to meet someone. You have to take accountability for your part in these dynamics, whether that is admitting you seek out relationships with people who stray, or that you have difficulty setting healthy boundaries with people which results in you having your feelings hurt. Once you own up to your half of these previous relationships, you can begin avoiding unhealthy habits and getting away from these scenarios.
Next I want to just talk about your decision to “get away from everyone and start somewhere fresh”. Every single person on this earth manifests their reality and must take responsibility for it. Granted, there are some things not in our control like the family we are born into as well as some other circumstances. But I have seen time and time again, people move to get away from someone or something and they simply run to a similar scenario in a new place because it is a dynamic they are familiar and feel comfortable with. What I am trying to get at here DADT is not to blame all of the outside variables, instead take a look at what you are contributing to these situations and then change your behavior if you want to enjoy different results. Self-awareness is one of the most difficult skills to master. How many people do you know who want to sit around and identify what they could have done better? It is a bitter pill to swallow sometimes, but one best learned at a young age in order to enjoy happiness.
In closing, I think maybe right now being single is a very good thing for you. Work on making yourself happy so that when you do meet someone you like, they simply add to an already fulfilling and happy life. Best of luck and happy (eventual) humping!
Yo Bottom Whisperer!
I have really had it with all the gay on gay hate! Allow me to give you a bit of back-story… I’m a gay man in my thirties living in New York City. I grew up in the Deep South but got the f&^% out of there as soon as I turned 18. I moved to the big city to discover who I was without the fear of getting beat up or ostracized.
I have noticed that gay men seem to be quick to hand out judgment and negativity to other people within the community. Case in point, I use some gay websites to meet guys for potential dates and the occasional roll in the hay. I am so frustrated with the guys who say things in their profile like “No fats, no fems” and what the hell is with all the “Not into Asians!”??? What century are we living in?
I recently went on a date with a guy I had been chatting with online for a few weeks. We had a perfectly fine time. We met for drinks and had dinner. At the end of the night I got a peck on the cheek, but that was it. I hit him up later to see if he wanted to go out again and he informed me I was “too femmy” for him. Look Bottom Whisperer, I am totally good with who I am, but the constant negativity from other gays really gets to me. I think it is more harmful than those morons at the Westboro Baptist Church. I can feel sorry for them for their ignorance – not the case with other gay men. I’d love to hear your thoughts on this.
Freaking Losers Anger Me Endlessly
I was having similar conversation recently with some single gay friends of mine. One of them chimed in “I DO NOT like queeny guys” to which I asked him “What about queeny guys do you dislike so much?”… So what is it with that gay men hate about men who are clearly gay? I speculated to my friend that he wasn’t comfortable with gay men who are more flamboyant because he has issues with his own homosexuality. I told him he might have a problem with a more gay-acting guy because he fears the type of judgment he makes when he sees a feminine-acting gay man upon himself.
As for the blatant racism, ageism and ablest behavior that you have witnessed on numerous occasions, this is really a shame. When there are so many people out there who are hell bent on minimizing and excluding the GLBT community, it is extra painful and damaging when it comes from within. What can we do about it? Try and be the bigger person and set an example for other people that they don’t need to act that way. Yes, I understand I am going to get a lot of criticism here because people can’t help who/what they are attracted to, I understand. So let me save you some time if you are chomping on the bit to write me a scathing comment. I am attracted to men but I don’t speak poorly about women. There, your argument was just negated. People deserve respect and to be treated with dignity regardless of age, race, gender, religion, body type and so on.
In closing FLAME, the guy who informed you that he isn’t in to you because you are too femmy might have some issues to deal with pertaining to his own sexuality and self-confidence. Even if you two had dated some more, chances are this insecurity would have manifested in some other way and driven you apart. Don’t change who you are to cater to a certain type of person. Feel comfortable in your skin and flame on!