The Bottom Whisperer: Love At First Sight
I want to hear from you! Email questions to [email protected]! Both of this week’s questions come from the SE United States. Things are getting steamy down South! Let’s get to it!
I’m an avid reader of your column and love your advice. I’m a 29-year-old gay man living in Georgia who is facing something new and uncertain.
For the longest time, I considered myself a versatile top who occasionally liked to bottom. However, recently, I’ve been in more of a ‘dominate me and pound my rear’ kind of mood. Don’t get me wrong, I still like to top, but I feel like I’m turning into more of a bottom than I used to be. Is this natural or could there be something wrong me? Also does becoming a bottom mean I’m not as masculine as I thought I was to begin with? I guess I’m just afraid to try on this new skin because of emasculating myself.
I only ask because it seems that most guys stay in a role for life and rarely change.
Prefer Outside Understanding New Direction
The readers of the blog have been dominating and pounding my inbox lately with questions pertaining to masculinity and homosexuality. Many men spend a lot of time worrying about whether they come off as masculine or feminine and while there may be a higher occurrence of less masculine gay men, I really don’t think it is anything worth getting all bent out of shape about. There are plenty of feminine heterosexual men. And when did it become so terrible to be in touch with one’s feelings? And what planet are you living on where people don’t switch things up in the bedroom? I can want to change sexual roles with different guys, when the wind changes directions, due to astrological alignment, when the moon is full, when I drink tequila, when I am on vacation… you get the idea. I for one, am not locked into one particular role sexually. I often say jokingly “I am just happy to be in the room. The rest is just filling in the blanks.”
Now on to your question about your emerging versatility. Let me make this very black and white for you POUND, gay men enjoy sexual contact with other men. This means we often want to do some pretty explicit things to another man’s naughty-bits. Why get so hung up in the details about whether you are pounding or getting pounded? What you do in the bedroom is really nobody’s business. If you don’t believe me just ask that white Christian man who tries to come off as slightly progressive by saying “I don’t care what you do in the bedroom” when the issue of gay marriage comes up in conversation.
If bottoming more makes you worry about your masculinity or it shakes you to your core then it might be time to take a look at what it is exactly that you think is so bad about being less masculine. Do you think that straight women who enjoy letting their man in the back door worry that their resulting anal pleasure will somehow alter their personality? No, because it simply is not the case. Your love for bottoming simply means that you are wired to like that kind of sexual contact. We all have our kinks, our spots that drive us wild to be touched, yours just happens to be your prostate. Case closed, end of story. Happy humping!
Greeting Bottom Whisperer!
I am a 32-year-old lesbian living in Florida! My girlfriend and I have been together for almost a year now and things had been going great. My girlfriend is larger than me and I spend quite a bit of time in the gym. I love my big girlfriend and am very attracted to her sexually. Recently she began bringing up my weight and the amount of time I spend in the gym in a way that made me feel bad. Her previous relationships have all been with women who are more full figured than I am but I never took any of that personally. She recently made a comment while we were out at dinner that I should order my own dessert because I could use to gain a few pounds. This comment really hurt me because I had been picking up similar comments in the past few months. I confronted her and she told me that she loves me and thinks I am beautiful but would be so much more attracted to me if I was curvier. It really hurt me and she has since backtracked and said she never really meant to make me feel badly about my slim figure. I feel like the damage has now been done and I don’t feel like she is being honest with me because she is scared to hurt my feelings. Help!
Should Look Inside Myself
One of my golden rules is that the person you are with should never make you feel bad about yourself because of how you look. They should never talk down to you or make you feel bad about yourself because of your personal appearance. It is just totally not cool and grounds for a swift “Go fuck yourself”. Now that said, your girlfriend is clearly a fan of curvy women and you seem to be secure about the way that you look which is healthy. So it really boils down to whether your girlfriend loves you and accepts you for who you are, not what she thinks would be hotter or more enjoyable for her. I would lay it out for her, you aren’t one of the curvy girls she tends to go after and if that is enough of a priority for her, she needs to be upfront with you and let you know. You two have been together for a while and it is not worth putting more work into a relationship if it simply will unravel because of something you have little or no control over and less interest in changing to make the other person happy.
It is a sad, superficial world that we live in where someone can look at another happy, healthy, stable person and pass judgment on them because they are too short, not an ideal body type, are a certain ethnicity and so on. People tell me it is more of an issue in the gay community. I vacillate on whether or not I buy into that or not because I have a number of heterosexual friends and they seem to feel the same way. Physical attraction is part of being human and for some people it can be a make or break issue in a relationship. It is important for us to understand that a beautiful person inside stays beautiful even when the outside starts to age. I hope your girlfriend is smart enough to see this. If she isn’t, I wish you the best of luck in finding someone who does. Happy humping!