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Rabidly Anti-Gay Pastor Announces ‘I am the Gayest Man I Know’

Posted by on May 7, 2012 in This Day In Gay | 24 comments

Ken Hutcherson gives good gay face.

UB readers may recognize Pastor Ken Hutcherson from such hits as Gay Marriage is a Cobra Waiting to Kill Straight People, I Play Football to Legally Hurt White People, and Bible Loves Must Kill Their Enemies.

Totally sane, respectable, intelligent leader of his flock, right?

Today brings word of the icing on this three layer crazy cake. Guess who just penned a column titled EVANGELICAL PASTORS DECLARE: ‘WE ARE GAY’! The caps and exclamation point are all Hutcherson’s.

For full disclosure, most of the people who are close to us have known for years how gay we are. Both of our wives know we’re gay and are completely supportive of this lifestyle choice. Our coworkers know we’re gay and have often asked us how they, too, can live as a gay Christian. And even though we’ve never made a formal announcement together, the bulk of our congregation has suspected it for years. How could they not? Our gayness is obvious in the way we talk and the way we act toward one another. Hold a gaydar up to either of us and it’s likely to read “Fabulous!”

So, this announcement will only come as a surprise to people who don’t know us that well. For those on the outside looking in, this would be the furthest thing they would ever imagine coming from two pastors at a conservative evangelical church. For some reason, Christians aren’t allowed to be gay. We’re seen as angry, oppressive malcontents who look like they’ve been baptized in vinegar. We’re often caricatured as plastic phonies who are willfully naïve, or miserable misfits who aren’t happy unless they’re unhappy. But from our perspective, certain individuals in another community seem like they’re the unhappy ones who are overtly hostile to anyone who disagrees with them.

For instance, Dan Savage claims to be gay. But he’s not. He’s just a vapid agitator who happens to be homosexual. His subcutaneous vitriol recently burst out at some high-school students when he saw they didn’t support his view of the Bible. And despite the obligatory apology he gave for his tirade, Savage’s hostility is what those teens will remember. Nice going, Mr. Tolerance. Now, we ask you, does Savage sound gay? Of course not. How could somebody that sour and unhappy label himself that way? For our part, we would like to extend the proverbial olive branch to this errant activist: Mr. Savage, please come over to our office and we’ll teach you how to be gay. You’ve tried it your way and it’s not getting you very far. It’s only made you a humorless bully. We promise that Jesus can bring you true happiness. If you let us show you how to really be gay, we know that you’ll leave our office a changed man.

Oh lawdy.

A few things: One, I know Dan Savage, and Dan Savage is gay. Two, that’s not how gaydar works. And three, LULZ! Good luck “taking back” gay, you big nelly homo! 

Dan, I do hope you take Hutch up on his offer. Nothing wrong with taking a beej from a holy man for the team.

What do you think of Pastor Hutcherson’s “coming out?”