The Bottom Whisperer: Private Life
Dear Bottom Whisperer,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year now. We met through mutual friends and had been in long relationships previously that ended poorly. I suppose you could say we found each other right when we were beginning to wonder if we would meet anyone nice again.
I should also inform you that I am a whopping 5 foot 2 in shoes and my boyfriend is almost 6 feet tall. His ex-boyfriend was not short and as far as I know he has never had ‘a thing’ for shorter guys. Well we recently were about to get it on and he suggested turning on some porn for background noise and a little visual stimulation. So he turned this movie on and we got undressed. I wasn’t paying much attention to the movie but I opened my eyes a few times and realized he had put on some pretty specific fetish porn. I was even more concerned when I realized that the actors were all little people.
At first I thought it was a joke so I laughed and asked him what he was doing. I think it embarrassed him and he quickly turned it off then made an excuse to leave the room for a couple minutes. When he came back he was upset and seemed distracted.
I can’t fight the feeling now that I reacted poorly and that he was opening up to me. How should I go about bringing this up without making things more awkward? Also, is he dating me simply because I am short? Help!
Greatly Needing Outside Moderation Intending Outcome
A few months back I answered a question from a reader who found her man looking at porn that was pretty much the opposite of her deal/body type. I told her that erotica is often just fantasy and people enjoy different things at different periods of their life. Just because someone watches some kinky stuff doesn’t mean they are going to run out and find someone to tie them up and flog them. Here the issue is he has been enjoying erotica that is closer to what your deal/physical stature is. Perhaps he was just opening up to you and wanted you to see how you have awoken this desire for this particular body type within him. There is really nothing to worry about.
I would however bring it up with him and tell him you feel like you reacted poorly. Things were in the heat of the moment and you might have interpreted it as a joke and not in the way that he meant for it to come across. I get so many questions from guys and gals who feel like they take a misstep when their significant other tries to open up to them. This is a learning and growing experience and an opportunity to strengthen your bond with your partner. Open up your heart and tell him what is going on. Tell him it has been weighing on your mind and that you want to hear from him what he was thinking and feeling. Maybe he wants to watch kinky porn with you, so what?! It will probably be a huge turn on for him and since nobody is being injured or harmed, it sounds like a bunch of good clean fun. Best of luck and happy humping!
Hello, Bottom Whisperer!
First off, I just want to say that I love your column, so keep up the great work! I was hoping you could speak to the issues of stereotyping and typecasting in the queer community, especially gay men.
I dated my last boyfriend for a year and a half. He was a taller guy with a fairly muscular build. After him, I casually dated a variety of guys in between, but none that stuck around long enough to introduce to my friends. Eventually, I settled on a guy who was a personal trainer at my gym. He was pretty tall and had an intense bodybuilder thing going on. Suddenly, I began to hear from my friends that I was only into muscle daddies. Every time we saw a guy with a similar build, all my friends would immediately ask what I thought of him, but never other types of guys. Recently, I started dating a guy who is closer to my height, Asian, and on the leaner side. I kept hearing that people were surprised because they “thought I was only into muscle guys” or they “didn’t know I was into Asian guys.” I had never expressed preferences around these areas, but it was just assumed that if you aren’t a white, tall, muscle daddy, I’m not going to talk to you.
I’ve heard about the “types” of guys a number of my gay friends are interested in, and it always surprises me to hear just how narrow-minded some of them are. “I only date this type of guy” or “Don’t waste your time, he’s only into this type of guy.” I have to wonder how many guys never talked to me because my friends told him I was only interested in muscle daddies?
I know we all have preferences, but when did this extreme typecasting and casual racism become commonplace in the gay community? Where do you think it comes from? Is this all a biological part of the human experience, or are there greater cultural and societal factors that cause us to write people off because they don’t instantly meet some arbitrary set of standards? Shouldn’t a community that adopts a rainbow flag for a logo be a little more open to diversity in the dating scene?
Really Indifferent Concerning Everyone’s Quick Worrisome Nonsense
Thank you for being a fan of the column and for your questions. First, congrats on seeing people for more than their age, race, physique. People who look at others only as a member of an ethnic group, age group or certain body type are simple-minded. I think that people have so much more to offer than simply what they look like, although I have been wrong about that in the past.
We as human beings put a great deal of weight into our appearance as that is initially what people can identify and therefore, are attracted to. But you and I know that it takes so much more than a pretty face or hot body to really seduce us. How a person is inside is what is really important. Trust me, I have met some of the most unhappy, ignorant people who just happened to have lucked out and are physically attractive. It takes only a few minutes for most people to see past the pretty exterior and realize that these people don’t have much to offer.
I enjoy a diverse group of friends and loved ones in my personal life. I feel that this diversity is an asset and benefits me as well as the people around me. It is important to recognize that biologically most animals seek out the company of similar creatures. When I take my dog to the park he will even find other dogs of the same breed. So what is the deal with this phenomenon? I can only guess it has something to do with procreation and continuity of the species. But this isn’t a get out of jail free car for your friends. It makes no sense for members of a marginalized group to put the very same pain up others within the community. It is gross. Tell them to quit it and pick up a book or something to open up that tiny mind.
Best of luck!