The Bottom Whisperer: Lights Out
If you missed last week’s column, check it out here! Now on to this week’s questions!
Dear Bottom Whisperer,
I am a 20-year-old woman and am starting to want to date, I am interested in women and though I’m not terribly attractive, interest has been expressed in me. There’s only one problem: I consider myself asexual. I like cuddling and being close, but that’s the extent of it. I have nothing against the idea of sex, until it begins to involve me. This being so, is it irresponsible of me to enter any sort of relationship? I would feel guilty knowing there was one area that I’m not sure I’d ever feel comfortable in providing for my partner. I’m happy enough being single, should the forever alone life satisfy?
Lesbian Asexual Craving Knowledge
Big red flag jumping out at me here from your question – why don’t you think you are attractive? If people are interested in you, then maybe your perception is not what you think it is. You should feel good about yourself first and foremost. I know it can be tough with the constant bombarding of what beauty should look like from mainstream media, but this is the biggest thing you need to work on. There is a very good chance that this may have a strong influence on your desire to engage in a sexual relationship with someone. I mean, during sex you can feel extremely vulnerable, that is why it benefits you greatly if you have a connection and trust the person you are with.
Moving on, I think you need to really drill down a bit and find what it is that you like about yourself. I know that you have some attractive qualities because you even said that people are interested in you. I am sure you are selling yourself short and have a lot more to offer than you realize. Maybe if you can discover some of these things it will help you feel better about meeting a nice person and nurturing a loving relationship with them.
Being happy, feeling good about yourself and having a strong sense of self are things that require time, self awareness and an ability to look beyond the face value of your actions, reactions and emotions in various situations. I hope you will take some time and put some work into these things as it can only benefit you in the long term. Work through some of these issues and when someone fantastic comes along you won’t be able to keep your hands off one another. This is a straight-forward case of sexy chicken and sexy egg. Make sure your sexy egg is all worked on and ready when you meet your sexy chicken. Best of luck and happy eventual humping!
Please help me here. I am in desperate need of some dating advice. I am in a bit of a complicated situation so let me give you a little background. Technically, I guess you could say I am bisexual, but I tend to identify more as gay. My attraction to men is far stronger than my attraction to women. That being said, about 4 years ago, the relationship I was in ended. It was with a woman. After 10 years and two children, we realized that it just wasn’t going to work for us anymore. Now I am the single father of two sons and I identify as gay.
Before I was with this woman, I was very active in the gay scene. I did the whole club thing and partied all the time. I met and had many relationships during that time. I know what I want. I am not confused in the slightest. However, things have changed. I used to go out and have no problems leaving with all kinds of “options”. Now, being 35, I really am not interested in that type of thing. I have been looking for the one man to settle down with and live and love for the rest of my life.
This is my problem. When prospective men hear that I have two children that live at home with me, I immediately see the look of “oh well” in their eyes. I tried online dating, bars, volunteering, and just getting active in the community again. It has gotten pretty hard to find people to meet that I would consider dating.
This is another problem that I have. On the few occasions that I have gone to bars or other places, and started talking to people, which is hard for me as I am a pretty shy guy, I have had some of the strangest occurrences. It starts with a compliment. The gentlemen tell me something like “you are cute”. I was raised to believe that when you are given a compliment you should always thank the person for it because you never know when the next one is coming. Anyway, I am a bit confused because when I say “thank you” they generally walk away before I can say anything else. I know I have been out of the dating scene for a while, but has that much changed? Is it no longer acceptable to thank people for compliments? I guess at this point, any advice you can give on dating would be extremely helpful. I just feel lost out there with not much to hope for. I keep telling myself that one of these days I will find my man. After being single for most of the four years, I am getting desperate. Please any advise for me?
Dazed And Discouraged
Thanks for the great question. You seem to have a pretty good idea about what you are looking for; I wonder if you are looking in the right places. I know a number of gay dads who were previously married to women. I hope you and your ex wife have a solid relationship and can put personal feelings of animosity aside to do what is best for your children because they are depending on both of you to show them how to grow up to be the best people they can be.
Now moving on, if I met a guy who had kids at home I would have no problem with it. I have always considered family to be very important and have aspirations to have children of my own someday. Just as the case with heterosexual couples, these values do no always align with people we date. My last long-term relationship was with someone who swore he never wanted to have children. A lot of this comes from the fact that he suffers from a bit of Peter Pan syndrome and never really wants to grow up himself.
My only advice to you DAD is to seek out better avenues for datable men. You might want to look for guys who also have the same feelings of commitment to family, maybe even other gay dads. You can certainly look for guys like this online and I know some gay dads who have had some success with Internet dating. I mean, if someone doesn’t like that you have kids they will know right away after reading your profile as this is probably one of the first things you should mention. So stop wasting your time in gay bars, this is more of a get drunk/hook up kind of venue anyways.
As for accepting and thanking people for compliments, saying ‘thank you’ is good manners and maybe these people can’t appreciate that. Or they simply are looking for a compliment in return. Either way, don’t let this bother or discourage you. Keep being an awesome father to your kids and just try to look for datable men in better places. Best of luck and happy humping!