The Bottom Whisperer: Humpin’ Around
Greetings! It was a pretty great week for your old pal The Bottom Whisperer. If you don’t already, get with the program and start following me on Facebook and Twitter! If you missed last week’s column, go back and check it out!
As always, the column exists because of you guys so keep the questions coming! [email protected] people! Now let’s get to it!
Hey, Bottom Whisperer!
First off, I’m in love with your column and I think you give spectacular advice. I’m a 20-something gay man that identifies as a TOTAL 100% bottom. I’ve been dating over the last 8 months after ending a 3.5 year relationship almost a year ago, however my “bottom-ness” is becoming a bit of an issue for me. I’m well aware of the fact that most gay men vary in their position on the top/bottom spectrum, sitting somewhere between the two poles of sexual position preference. I’m not one of those people, however. I’ve tried topping, but it feels wrong to me. I don’t like it at all and, to be honest, it grosses me out quite a bit. Therein lies my dilemma. I go out on dates, but at what point does the top/bottom discussion need to happen, especially since I’m pretty stuck in my preference? I genuinely would like to be in a LTR, however I don’t want to cheapen first dates by bringing up my sexual position. Reflectively, I don’t want to wait too long to have that discussion because I don’t want to start developing feelings for a guy who may very well be in my same boat or want me to do things in bed (e.g. be a top) that make me supremely uncomfortable. At what point should that discussion happen for people like me who don’t want to budge with regard to their top/bottom preference? This bottom needs your wise whispers!
Tried Out Topping, Absolutely Loathed
Thank you for your kind words about the column. I have the best fans in the world and you guys make my job awesome. Now hopefully I can keep the spectacular advice rolling fingers crossed!
I have always adopted a ‘just happy to be in the room’ attitude when it comes to sex. This means that I don’t get too hung up on what particular sex act is going to occur and certainly not who gets to do what. I think of sex in a much broader context outside of who tops, who bottoms, who gets off first, who is in charge, who submits, who talks dirty, who is the big spoon afterwards… what I’m getting at here is different lovers bring out different impulses/energies/desires/fantasies in me. This all has everything to do with their attitude/energy/what turns them on. If you get too fixated on who tops and who bottoms, you might be cheating yourself out of some seriously hot, fun, adventurous sexual exploration. I preach to people the importance of not getting stuck in one particular type of sex/lover/position.
There is so much for us to learn from our lovers in and out of the bedroom. My advice to you is not to close yourself off from topping, while admitting that you have a strong preference for bottoming. You could also have some very incredible sexy time that does not include receptive anal sex. And don’t even get me started on the kind of fun you can have when incorporating toys and the right attitude and enthusiasm into the situation. Keep and open mind and challenge yourself in all areas of your life and you will be handsomely rewarded. Happy humping!
Dear Bottom Whisperer,
I’m a 30-year-old gay man. I have been in a relationship with an amazing guy for almost 4 years now. We have an incredible connection and are very much in love. I trust him, he is my best friend and I want to grow old with him. My problem is I have a difficult time expressing myself sexually with him. I have some kinks that I am really into. I tip toe around ways of incorporating them into our sex life and usually I just end up enjoying these things when masturbating. I don’t want to get too graphic here but a lot of it has to do with being bound, feeling kinda powerless and wearing skin tight vinyl and rubber.
My partner is very open and a very sexual guy himself but he is happy to just get naked and have sex. I feel like I need more to be really turned on and have a mind blowing sexual experience. We have slowly began incorporating some more kink into our sex life but I feel like I need to let it all hang out and come clean about what I want. What do you think is holding me back? Any suggestions on how I can get what I want without freaking my partner out?
Being Open Understanding Naughty Deeds
Look, I get it that you think some of your stuff is a little over the top, but you have been with this dude for 4 years, time to pony up and let it all hang out. I mean, worst case scenario he says “I’m not into that” and you are enjoying it on your own like you currently are. My question for you is what is your partner doing or not doing that is not allowing you to really open up to him? Has he disappointed you or violated your trust? Even if he has, humans aren’t perfect. You will be disappointed again in your life so if that’s what is holding you back, it is time to forgive and move forward.
Now as for the kinks themselves, who knows where or why you enjoy them as much as you do. Bottom line here BOUND, they are part of who you are and you are selling yourself and your partner short by not revealing this part of yourself. Now it could also be that you get turned on at the idea of sneaking around and keeping this secret. As much as that might be working for you now, it can’t go on forever and chances are as soon as you open up about your dirty little secrets, you will have free reign to explore some of these things with a person whom you care about deeply which could be an even greater turn on than sneaking around and being shady about your wants and desires. Open up, don’t hold back! Life is too short to not own your junk. Good luck and happy humping!