A Brief History of Cosmo’s Ridiculous Sex Advice
Some of our favorites:
If — unbelievably — this doesn’t work, you’re doing it wrong, you shameful, unable-to-please-a-man woman. The only logical step from here is to initiate something insanely complicated.
12. “Tickle his feet with your nipples: climb on top of him in reverse cowgirl position, then bend over until your nipples reach the tops of his feet. …Yowzah.” When this sounds spicy, you have hit new heights of erotic boredom.
22. “Mix one tablespoon of saliva (the kind deep in your throat works best — its viscosity makes it a good substitute for lube) with one tablespoon of water to stretch the spit.” They don’t really explain if you’re supposed to whisk it together in a bowl in the kitchen, or if you should just hock a loogie onto his pre-moistened junk, but I trust your judgment.
35. “As you’re eating dinner together, say something X-rated like, ‘See how I’m devouring this piece of meat? That’s how I’m going to devour you.’” Then, later, during oral sex, pause and say, “OM NOM NOM NOM.”
37. “Give him a beer facial — the combination of the egg white and the yeast in the hops hydrates and improves skin elasticity… but you can just tell him that your lips can’t resist his delicious, beer-flavored face.” In fact, please say exactly that: “My lips can’t resist your delicious beer-flavored face.” Just so I can know that somewhere, someone actually said it.
Two things come to mind: One, don’t ever do any of these things to a man you are trying to seduce. And two, go read the whole damn list!