The Bottom Whisperer: Can’t Get You Out Of My Head

Posted by Christopher Welch on Jun 27, 2012 in Sex | 4 comments

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If you missed last week’s column (and man was it a good one) you can check it out here!

Lots of great questions this week. Hard to pick two. I felt like a judge at the Miss Universe competition minus the spray tan and D list television career. Let’s get to this week’s questions!

Dear Bottom Whisperer,

Pretty embarrassing subject here but not sure where else to turn to for advice. I’m a twenty-something gay Latino; therefore my skin has more melanin than a white person’s skin. I have noticed, after a shaving session, that the skin surrounding my “back door” is darker than normal. I looked stuff up and it’s hyper pigmentation, and it will go away if I bleach it (but it’s expensive and detrimental to your health). Guys I’ve been webcamming with have began to notice it and ask me if it is bruised or something. It is starting to get to me, what should I do? Will this be important to men in the future? Am I doomed forever? I’m allergic to cats, so they’re not an option for me.

Badly Lit Excursions Apparently Causing Hysteria

Greetings BLEACH!

Since the dawn of time, man has struggled with the question: to bleach or not to bleach. In all seriousness, bleaching your skin can be very bad for you. Yes we would all love to have beautiful, pristine, photogenic rosebuds but are the risks of chemically changing the color of your skin worth it? My mind is running rampant with this laundry list of things that could go terribly, terribly wrong which might affect you for the rest of your life.

Might I suggest taking it easy with the manscaping back there? If your skin is having such a bad reaction to simple shaving, you might want to leave it alone and let it just get back to normal. Not to mention you could explore other hair removal options like laser or waxing that might not have the same effects. Ok real talk, we can’t all be hairless twinks our entire life. It is either time to explore some different options for hair removal or just let the “grass” grow a bit. Let the skin heal, don’t bombard it with products and razors for a while and see if things begin to go back to normal. Once they do, look into some spas and ask about your hair removal options and be very clear that you have sensitive skin and have had issues with skin discoloration in the past as a result of hair removal. There are people plucking and waxing crack for a living who would be happy to put their 18 to 24 months of beauty school know-how to use. So I want you to save that bleach for the laundry room and keep it away from your junk! Happy humping!

Dear Bottom Whisperer,

I have had a crush on this guy for almost a year now. When I met him I found out that he had a boyfriend although they were trying to work through some issues. Out of respect for their relationship I never shared my interest in this guy, but every time we hung out in a social setting we always had such a great time with one another that people would often comment that we seemed like we were dating. I did my best to keep things in check but I finally came clean to him with my feelings. He told me that he also thought I was great but he was trying to make things work with his on again/off again boyfriend.

Just over a month ago they split up for good and moved out of the place they shared. I was hoping that the end of his relationship meant we would finally have the opportunity to see each other. I asked him a couple times if he wanted to get together but he always had an excuse or was too busy. I finally asked him if I was barking up the wrong tree and if he wanted me to leave him alone. He said he just wants to be friends right now and enjoys hanging out with me. I am not sure if I can just flip the friend switch after the way he made me feel. What should I do? Am I just barking up the wrong tree? Time to move on and cut my losses?

Rarely Openly Vent Expect Realness

Greetings ROVER,

I was having a discussion the other night with a friend about the importance of timing when you meet someone. You can meet the most amazing guy and have a crazy connection but if the timing isn’t right it is difficult for that to ever get off of the ground. It sounds like you really like this guy and the interest is mutual but you also have to respect that he might be feeling really drained emotionally and hurt by how his last relationship ended. It sounds to me like they both put a lot of work into trying to salvage something and find a way to make it work. This can be incredibly frustrating and exhausting so it makes sense that he has asked for time before choosing to move on to another relationship.

My advice to you is to chill out with the boyfriend talk, build up your friendship with this guy because this will build a strong foundation if you two ever decide to date. I know it is hard to shift expectations but this is something that you have no real control over. A hurt/broken heart takes time to heal and there really is no substitution when it comes to mending that broken heart. Also realize that his attitude about not wanting to date has nothing to do with you and everything to do with his ex. As soon as you accept that and move forward, the happier you will be. So yes, for the time being you might be barking up the wrong tree. That doesn’t mean you can’t have a great friendship and some exciting romantic prospects down the road. It sounds like you really dig this guy so do the right thing and give him some space. When he is good and ready he will likely come knocking. Happy humping!

http://www.facebook.com/people/Jakob-Mayfield/559759523 Jakob Mayfield

in response to ROVER’s q, I would say at the very least you’re damn near guaranteed to be the first person he looks at for dating when he’s ready!
http://twitter.com/DrThiltgen Grant

To be honest, I think the advice to ROVER is pretty crappy.

http://twitter.com/DrThiltgen Grant

Sorry, I accidentally posted that before I had time to explain. No where in the letter does the letter writer actually say that that the guy said he ever liked him as more than friends. The statements “e told me that he also thought I was great but he was trying to make things work with his on again/off again boyfriend” and “He said he just wants to be friends right now and enjoys hanging out with me” really indicate to me that this guy just isn’t really that into ROVER as much as ROVER is into him. It COULD be that it’s just bad timing, or it could be that ROVER’s friend is just trying to be nice and let him down easily. Unfortunately when people say things like, “right now” they think they’re being nice, but what they’re actually doing is dangling a thread in front of someone. Clearly the letter writer needs to use his words and say, “Look, you said you don’t want to pursue things right now, I’m okay with that, does that mean in the future when you get over the things with your ex, you might be willing to try? Or does that mean that you just want to keep our friendship at the friend level.” You may even want to throw in a caveat there. It sucks because clearly the response ROVER wants is “in the future.” and is afraid of hearing “just friends” but if you can get that out in the open now, it will really help you figure out whether you can keep this guy in your life.I’m speaking from experience. When you think a guy might change his mind because he has you on “The Hook” (as it’s called in HIMYM and which by the way, has frequent use of the words “right now” meaning “I’m just not that into you”), and then he promptly goes out and fucks some random dude, you’re going to be hurt. I think it’s just best to either a) ask him point blank if there really is a chance in the future or if he was just being nice or b) move on and realize that the timing was off, but you have the possibility of having a really awesome friend. I was on “The Hook” for awhile with someone, but I got over it, and now we are amazing friends, but it took awhile. I think the response “just wait it out” really makes it hard for ROVER to move on with his life and figure out what to do, it just keeps his relationship status as single longer than ROVER clearly wants it to be.

http://www.facebook.com/people/Andre-Washington/100001692943965 Andre’ Washington

Dear BottomWhisperer,
In your response to BLEACH I believe your advise while helpful and informed about discoloration as a result of hair removal treatments was not an answer to the actual question. To clarify BLEACH’s discoloration is not a result of his hair removal technique, but is more inline with a “black and blue mark”,”Tattoo”, or “Birthmark” that is revealed (or only noticable) after the hair is removed. In this case, the advise i would reccomend giving is the same advise you’d give someone who is overly self aware or has received negative feedback for physical things like freckles or large birthmarks.
Yes, he can have it removed through a bleach/skin lightening process, but a self analysis of why and how these (negative) feelings about his body affect him in this way may be to BLEACH’s benefit.
Also and acknowledgement that the negative and uniformed reactions stem from people who are ignorent of this natural occurance. Many people of color are aware of it within their own communities.
In example, shortly after my brother of mixed ethnicity, was born (in 1980 in HI,USA) my mother (who is from a small and at the time exclusively caucasion community in PA,USA) noticed what she mistook for bruises along the base of his spine above his buttocks. Worried about him and the possibility that he might be being abused, and if not fearing that the teachers at his daycare would see them and report her to CPS. Rushing him quickly to her trusted Pediatrician she was calmy informed, after the doctor stopped laughing, that they were “Mongoloid Spots”(see: hyper pigmentation) and almost always appeared in children of colored decent whether mixed or otherwise. Mongoloid spots often fade as a person grows and their skin streches redistributing the melanin (skin pigment), but sometimes they don’t causing a permanent uneven (sometimes severely uneven) skin tone. They can be located on any part of the body.Some people have them on their faces, often being mistaken for burn victims at sometime in their past, and I’ve actually seen picture of black men with, ummm, “dappled” genitalia, where parts are full on caucasion colored and the rest is, well, black.A little more research please, next time as your advise about hair removal treatment might in the long run have lead to more frustration on BLEACH’s part, as well as feeling of “why won’t this work when i tried to follow the directions to the letter”. Possibly I’m not giving BLEACH the credit he might deserve, but it isn’t improbable under these circumstances which relate to appearance and follow the same patterns as trying to lose weight and not knowing you have a major thyroid condition. Anywasy Smooches, love the column!

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