The Bottom Whisperer: Private Eyes
(If you missed last week’s column you can check it out here!)
Dear Bottom Whisperer,
I am in my late 30′s and my boyfriend is in his early 20′s. He is a wonderful boyfriend in almost every way. He is caring, giving, fun to be with and has maturity beyond his years.
The problem is our sex life. We have made out only a couple of times in 6 months. Usually when I go to kiss him, he will give me a quick peck and turn his head away. When asked about this, he simply responded that he just isn’t into making out. He also told me that he doesn’t like to give oral sex. He has given it to me once but only in the shower. I don’t push it because i know he’s not into it. He does allow me to give it to him. He finally agreed to do anal sex (with a condom) but we have tried three times and it has been unsuccessful. He just didn’t seem ready for it. Our sex life is mostly mutual masturbation and he typically likes that in the shower as well.
I wonder if he just isn’t attracted to me, yet, he always want to cuddle, hold hands, and be affectionate. He constantly talks about a future together. The whole situation became so frustrating and I told him that I wasn’t happy with our sex life and needed a break to figure things out. He was very hurt and simply told me that he is attracted to me but sex is not a priority for him. I love him and miss him very much but don’t want to settle for a sexless relationship. Perhaps he sees sex as dirty? Maybe it is his age and inexperience. Or maybe it just takes some people a while to get comfortable. But how long should I wait?
Not Ordered Our Kink Yet
So the issue here is not really that your boyfriend isn’t communicating with you, actually it is quite the opposite, you don’t like what he is telling you. You like sex and want sex and need sex as a way of expressing your feelings for your partner and he does not. This simply means you two have a different way of expressing these feelings. He has made it extremely clear he doesn’t put as much weight into the sexual part of your relationship but clearly has no hang ups when it comes to intimacy. Holding hands, cuddling and being close to one another can often be more intimate than inserting screw A into slot B (thanks IKEA!).
You made it very clear in your question that sex is important and you can’t be in a relationship that doesn’t have a certain amount of sex. He has told you that is probably just isn’t going to happen. So remove the emotion from the situation and make a decision. By getting back together with him you are only going to continue to be resentful that he isn’t giving it up and fucking your brains out. Good for you for knowing what you want in a relationship, it just sucks now because there is someone you care for a great deal and he can’t give you those things that you know you need. Luckily there are a lot of fish in the sea. Best of luck!
Dear Bottom Whisperer,
I recently chatted with a guy on Manhunt and then later via Skype for some not to PG related chat and show and tell. We met in person later but nothing happened. Shortly thereafter I meet some of my uncle’s friends and much to my surprise, one of them looked EXACTLY like the guy I met, so much so that I realized it was the same guy. The next time I talked to him I told him to not contact me again because it is way to creepy for me. He denied being the same guy but agreed to not talk anymore.
After a big party on the fourth of July I get an email saying “You looked good”. I immediately knew it was him. This guy is married with kids and I am really uncomfortable with how this is going. The problem is that I am going to college away from here in the fall, but I will be returning several times for the holidays and I’m pretty sure he’s gonna be there, I need this to stop. Please help me.
Can Really Expect Exceptional Prowess
Dude, they can’t write stuff like this. A few questions that I have for you would be A) You mention going to college in the fall, are you of legal age of consent in your State? And B) Are you currently out to your family? If you are out and have nothing to hide then this situation, while extremely unpleasant and kinda creepy, is not as big of a deal as it might seem. My advice to you either way is to let this guy know that his actions are inappropriate and he better shape up unless he wants his dirty little secret to get back to his wife. Make it black and white, no room for him to communicate with you. Make statements like “If you continue to contact me or make me uncomfortable, I will take this right o your wife and my uncle. It stops now.”
Listen, people live their entire lives in the closet for a variety of reasons.I am sure he isn’t a bad guy, just a guy in a bad situation. Coming to grips with your sexuality is tough enough, imagine doing it after getting married and having kids. Society tells us we have to act a certain way, behave a certain way, even feel a certain way in situations so this can be very difficult. Your uncle’s friend has made some bad decisions and is living a lie and needs to write your old pal The Bottom Whisperer for a healthy dose of real talk. But right now, we need to focus on getting you out of a bad situation. Tell him to back off and leave you alone. He can’t turn you into his hot little plaything and might be obsessing about you now that you chatted and have met in person. Time to squash it before it gets out of control. Take control of the situation and let him know he is acting inappropriately and that you have options for how to make it stop. Best of luck!