The Bottom Whisperer: Freak Like Me
Greeting fandome! Hope everyone is having an awesome week. Happy hump day! Follow me on facebook and twitter if you aren’t already. If you’re lucky I might go all Chris Brown and tweet pictures of my junk (not really).
Check out last week’s column just in case you missed it.
Dear Bottom Whisperer,
I recently came out of the closet after being away at college for my sophomore year. I made friends at school who helped make my coming out experience really great. My family has also been very supportive since I came out to them. I recently went on a few dates with a guy from one of my classes. On our third date we went back to his place and got it on. Once we got down to our underwear and were making out on his bed he stopped for a second and with a kinda embarrassed look said to me “I just want you to have a heads up so you aren’t disappointed, I am not very hung. Don’t worry tho, I am totally cool just being the bottom sexually.” This really took me off guard and kinda killed the mood. We made out some more but then I told him I had to head home.
I feel weird now because we had a nice time together. So many things are going through my head. Do less hung guys have to be the bottom? If I’m not hung do I have to apologize to the guy I’m with? This whole situation just kinda blew my mind. I feel awkward around him now and I think he is into me and wants to keep seeing each other.
Trying Out Playing Sorry
There is no gay rulebook, and if there were, it would not have a rule that you have to apologize if your member isn’t “above average”. This guy clearly has some insecurity about what he’s packing downstairs, not your issue to deal with/take on/worry about. There are plenty of guys out there who are average and not hung who are tops. Your old pal The Bottom Whisperer can vouch that there are some bottom boys out there packing some serious heat downstairs. Unless you run your sex life like a communist work program, people should be welcome to do whatever they want (within reason) in the bedroom. Not every hung guy wants to be a big old top daddy, not every average guy wants to bite the pillow.
Good on you for seeing how ridiculous this way of thinking is. I hope your dinner friend can have a similar moment of clarity. Yes there are people who fetishize hung guys, just like there are people who fetishize certain body types, ethnicity, body modification, etc. Don’t allow yourself to be put into a box because of your physical features. Never apologize for being the way that you are (unless it’s drunk and you just spilled on a really nice piece of furniture) and feel good about you! If you want to top, bottom, both, neither, in a car, in a bar, with a star…. Go for it. There are no rules, besides rules are just there to be broken. Happy humping!
Dear Bottom Whisperer,
I’m a twenty-something, educated, professional gay man living on the West Coast. I have been seeing a guy romantically for a couple of months now. We really enjoy each other and are about at the point where we should discuss seeing each other exclusively. But there is one thing that has been weighing heavily on my conscience as of late. My awesome gentleman-friend is very close to his ex-boyfriend. Normally this wouldn’t be an issue for me but it is pretty obvious that his ex still has some serious feelings for him. I don’t bring it up because I don’t want to let it affect what we have going on. I will say that I have caught his ex meddling in our affairs a couple of times such as checking up on me with mutual friends. I can’t help but think this is part of a much greater plan to get me out of the picture and get back with him. I’m not an insecure person but this is bothering me and I am looking for a way of resolving it while also keeping this great thing going with my beau. Advice please?
Shouldn’t Consider Reciprocating Alleged Manipulation
Thanks for the great question! You say that you don’t want the influence of a shady ex to interrupt or affect what you have going on. I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news but it already is. I think it is great that you haven’t flipped and asked your man-friend what is up or to pick one of you, because that would just make you look bad. It is possible your guy is a bit of an attention whore and loves having 2 hot guys pine after him, he could also be completely clueless. Either way, don’t let this guy’s actions sweat you because he is just trying to get a reaction out of you, and if you give it to him, you give him the keys to the Porsche. He will know he can get a stir out of you and then it is game over.
Now if he continues and even becomes more brazen with his attempts to manipulate you or your guy, you’re gonna have to put the ball in your man’s court. A simple “Maybe we should take a break so you can work through some of the stuff you have hanging around from your ex.” Should do the trick. If he likes you he will get the picture. By allowing his ex to meddle with your business you are not setting healthy boundaries with your new guy. These situations happen quite a bit and it is very difficult as the new person in the dynamic to come out of it looking like a class act. Most people wanna get all Jerry Springer and start a screaming match. Don’t stoop so low. If this guy is a good fit and meant to be, he needs to reel it in and get his ex in check. I’d even advise you to save that conversation about being exclusive until that very thing happens. Best of luck!