The Bottom Whisperer: Nasty Girl
Dear Bottom Whisperer,
I made a huge mistake recently and slept with a guy who a friend of mine has been seeing for a few weeks. We were hanging out with some mutual friends in a social situation and I felt like he was sending me some pretty strong flirting vibes. We were drinking (not an excuse I know) and at the end of bar time I asked him if he was walking home. When he said he was I offered to walk with him. On the way we made out and then I brought him home. I felt so terrible the next day that I told me friend that something had happened. My friend was obviously upset and poked me for more details. In my reluctance I played it down and just made it sound like we made out. I concealed information about staying over, having sex, etc. Does this make me a terrible person? If I come clean to my friend is there any way he will ever trust me again? Help!
This Really Upsets Silly Thinkers
Thanks for the great question. Are you a terrible person? No, just a person who makes terribly selfish decisions that directly affect people who are close to you. Is there any way your friend will be ever to trust you again? Possibly, but I doubt he’ll be inviting you along to any outings with his next boyfriend (and rightfully so). You see, when you make decisions like this it tells your friend that your feelings are more important than anyone else’s. It makes you look selfish and like you have poor character. You didn’t do yourself any favors by bending the truth to paint yourself in a better light. This, my friend, is some real talk.
If I were you I would nut up, tell your friend the truth and also tell him that this whole thing has given you an opportunity to really look at what is important in your life. I am not going to rake you over the hot coals (if you take my advice you might have quite a bit more of this coming). Sometimes in life we have to screw up to realize what we have and what is important to us. This might just be one of those times. Hopefully you can take a long hard look at why you did what you did and possibly even realize how much your friends mean to you. Self-awareness is a very attractive quality, one that most people lack. This could be a pivotal moment in the development of who you are. I hope you make the most of it. Good luck.
Dear Bottom Whisperer,
I’ve been seeing a great guy for just over 4 months and decided it was time for him to meet my family. For my parent’s wedding anniversary I brought my boyfriend and introduced him to everyone. Afterwards I felt like things had gone great and this positive meeting with my family might be a sign of things getting really serious. My family means quite a bit to me so for him to meet them was a huge relief.
About a week after my parent’s anniversary party my brother (who also happens to be gay) called me and told me he needed to talk to me about my boyfriend. As it turns out my brother had seen some images of my boyfriend online that were pornographic. He wasn’t having sex with anyone but he had apparently taken some naked photos a few years back. My boyfriend had never mentioned anything about this before and I began to wonder what else has gone down that he might be hiding from me. Is it reasonable for me to confront him about these pictures? Is it reasonable of me to feel like I might not be able to trust him?
Photos Indicate Crazy Secrets
Let me ask you a question here… in a perfect world, what kind of sexual history would you want your boyfriend/partner to have? Do you want to find a virgin or someone with ‘low mileage’? The reason I ask is because as a gay man, chances are you are going to find another guy who has been around the block a time or two, has dated a fair share of men. I’m just being honest here as I have encountered people on numerous occasions who have this unrealistic expectation of what kind of sexual history their lover/partner/spouse should have. I would also then ask you if you have a consistent dating/sexual history.
My next question for you is whether it is the fact the your boyfriend might have taken some naughty photos a few years back the issue or the fact that he hasn’t offered you that information in the few months you have been together? I think it is a bit presumptuous of you to think it reflects what kind of person he is. Clearly you like him, you care about him, you introduced him to your family. Does the fact that he might have done some porn to make a little extra cash change how you view him?
You should really decide is this is a deal-breaker for you. If your brother had never called you and told you about these pictures you would have continued to date your boyfriend without issue. I also think it is a bit high and mighty of your brother, who clearly is seeking out erotica on the internet, to shake a finger because it turns out someone he has spanked it to online turned out to be a real person who has a life. I say ditch the judgement and stick with your gut on how you feel about this guy. Ask him about it if you want but don’t be so quick to make assumptions or he mighty rightfully give you the boot. Best of luck!