M.Obama: The DNC Speech, The Triceps, And One Little Criticism
Oh, M.Obama. What a First Lady! THAT SPEECH! So honest! So inspiring! What a presence. Right? Wow.
“Barack knows the American Dream because he’s lived it, and he wants everyone in this country to have the same opportunity, no matter who we are, or where we’re from, or what we look like, or who we love.”
Don’t look at me! It’s allergies! There’s a THING in my eye!
I had lunch with her once, you know. Michelle Obama. Let me just bust that out there. I LUNCHED WITH THE FLOTUS. Well, she wasn’t exactly FLOTUSing just then, but whatever: I shared a red-necky hometown 4th of July picnic with Michelle (soon to be FLOTUS) Obama, AND that million-foot-tall brother of hers that coaches university basketball, AND the two girls, AND, um, oh yeah, MR. OBAMA, not to brag (although that’s totally what I’m doing), back in 2008 when his campaign organizers decided that suckling at the teat of my own tiny hometown (not to be mentioned) on the 4th of July would somehow turn the red-state that it lives in blue (AS IF!), and I was freelanced out to cover the event.
She wore blue gingham. It was homey.
Now listen! I am bluer than Smurf meat: I believe in mandatory abortions, militarily enforced gay marriage, no military at all, more abortions, food stamps for the world and guns for nobody, ever (although I’m not sure how we’re going to sustain that whole forced gay marriage thing in far-off, uber-religious backwaters like UTAH without them—way out in the Romney-verse, where you can have things like a zillion extra wives but zero extra husbands), and I am deeply proud of our president. And I adore and respect Michelle Obama. And her pushups! And her amazing speechifying, and sometimes her shoes!
But one little thing: if she would just please stop high-fiveing everyone all the time, because it’s SO ANNOYING, Barrack would go up infinity points in the polls and we could all stop chewing our nails. I swear.
Please make a note of it.
Also, she should get a salary. For being fabulous.
In conclusion: I dislike the term “FLOTUS”. Let us never speak of it again.