Regenerative Medicine Breakthrough Paves the Way for Build-A-Bear Penis Shop Spin-Off
Scientists in the your future is here right now field of regenerative medicine have made enormous breakthroughs this year which are paving the way for things like spray-on skin, reversing blindness, and growing attachable, fully functioning penises.
Other labs are still moving forward with the ear project for the military. But Atala has special expertise dating back to his days as a pediatric urologist. He’s already grown bladders using a patient’s own cells, and he’s made penises that rabbits were able to put to their proper use, fathering litters of new little bunnies. He hopes to use this expertise to help rebuild the bodies of veterans wounded in Iraq and Afghanistan, as well as men and boys injured in car accidents.
Sure, sure. We’ll let the veteran soldiers line up to have their war-mutilated genitals regrown and attached first. That’s only fair.
But soon enough, we demand a conference call with Dr. Atala and the corporate hivemind behind those Build-A-Bear mall franchises. I mean, if we can regrow and attach a man’s own penis to his body, what’s to stop us from equipping every man with a new 2012 luxury sedan model, if you know what I mean.
Also, this breakthrough could be the seminal moment responsible for bringing my recurring childhood nightmare where I wake up to find all ten of my fingers have been replaced with penises (True story) to life.
Mark my words, y’all. Designer Imposters Penises are just around the corner. You’ll see!