The Bottom Whisperer: Fireworks
Greetings fan-dom and apologies for the delay! But here it is, hot and fresh and only a day late! Enjoy!
Dear Bottom Whisperer,
I am a 21-year-old gay male who is in a new relationship. Lately my best friend who is a girl has been kind of hinting that she thinks we should get into a romantic relationship. Tonight I asked her if she had heard from the guy she had a thing with and she said that she hadn’t and she was giving up on men. She then said that the planets are aligning so that we can get married, I identify as gay but I say that if I fall in love with a woman I wouldn’t turn the other cheek simply because she is a woman. In this particular situation there is a very slim chance of actually happening and I have told her that. I have really been trying not to do anything that might be interpreted as leading her on. The extent of our relationship is friendship based on trust and honesty and I do not know how to tell her that I am not interested without damaging our wonderful friendship. The other issue is that I don’t want to do anything that would jeopardize my relationship with my boyfriend. Do you think I should say anything to him? Help!
Been Listless About Rejecting Girlfriend
So your lady-friend has been dropping hints that she wants to take things to the next level and the feeling isn’t mutual. The issue here is how to let her down easily and preserve the friendship. First, you said in your question that your friendship is based on trust and honesty so why not stay on that track and just let her know how you feel? I mean if you keep avoiding this conversation the uncertainty is just going to keep affecting your friendship. You don’t have to tell her she isn’t up to your standards. Keep it positive and constructive “Hey, I love you and your friendship means so much to me but that’s where it ends for me. You are a wonderful person with a lot to offer someone.” This also sets some healthy boundaries moving forward in your friendship. If she is your friend she will respect your honesty and communication and you two will be able to put this behind you and move forward.
As for your boyfriend, I don’t know if this is something he needs to hear and it could cause some pretty serious friction moving forward between your friend and him. Now if you feel like you are keeping something from him, then by all means you can tell him that you had to set some boundaries with your friend after some of the things she implied. Good communication and honesty are the two best tools to help you navigate this bizarre love triangle BLARG. I also want to give you some props for not being totally closed off to falling in love with a person and not just a particular gender. People have so much to offer one another and it is important to keep an open mind so that when someone comes along who has something to add to your life, you don’t shut it down right away because they don’t fit into a box you are comfortable with. Best of luck and happy humping!
Dear Bottom Whisperer,
I am a 22-year-old full time cross dresser. I have been out of the closet since freshman year of high school and shortly afterwards started dressing as a woman and wearing makeup. In these 8 years I have had 4 boyfriends lasting a month each. All I want is to find someone to call my own but haven’t had much luck. I absolutely love myself for who I am but am feeling pretty lonely and isolated. I feel that other gay men either want guys that look like guys, or trans women but not much in between. Now I have met other cross dressers who seem to get guys all the time. In fear of sounding conceited, I’m a much prettier woman, have a better personality, great sense of humor and wit.
I have too many friends to count and I even have straight guy friends that say I’m the only gay guy that they will ever be ok with. I’ve heard of a book called, “Men Love Bitches” so am I simply too nice? I feel like I have a big default that I can’t or won’t change. I have nowhere to turn to unless I just want an ‘I’m sorry’ and a sad face. Please help and give it to me straight.
Can’t Rationalize Other Silly Situations
Thanks for the great question. It is 2012 and while your cross-dressing ways might turn some people off, there are tons of people out there who are totally into your deal. They might not be quite as easy to find as if you were some muscle queen or T-girl but you can’t let that hold you back or be an excuse for not putting your best foot forth in meeting a nice guy.
I’m a little concerned about some of the statements you made in your question… “I even have straight guy friends that say I’m the only gay guy that they will ever be ok with.” I really hate when people try to distance themselves from the gay community with judgmental statements like this. If your friends have a problem with gay people, they’re dicks, this doesn’t reflect on you being some awesome gay person. Off your high horse please.
Now on to your question about being less nice to attract guys, the kind of guys you are going to attract probably have some daddy (or mommy) issues they might want to deal with if they are seeking out people who aren’t very nice. Here’s an idea, be yourself. I know you don’t feel like you’ve had a ton of success with that plan of attack so far but you are 22-years-old and there’s nothing written in stone that says all 22-year-olds should have already completed or be in the process of completing a long-term relationship.
So let’s recap here: Less judgment on the gays and people of alternative lifestyle (hello pot, this is kettle), don’t change who you are just because you want to meet someone special and lastly, continue to feel good about yourself because when you do meet someone, your confidence and sense of self will be a very attractive quality. Best of luck!