The Bottom Whisperer: Doin’ It
If you missed last week’s column you can and should check it out here!
Dear Bottom Whisperer,
My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and we are very much in love. Recently he got really upset with me when he discovered some adult sites I had been checking out on my computer. It wasn’t anything ‘out there’ or weird so I was taken back when he shared his feelings with me. I asked him if he was upset that I had been looking at porn or if he felt like I was hiding it from him. He told me he didn’t know why he was upset but he didn’t like the way it made him feel. I should add that we have a pretty healthy sex life by most standards.
I’m wondering if I am not allowed to enjoy porn or even masturbating after our discussion. I am not going to be able to stop jerking off and I feel like him asking me to never look at porn again isn’t realistic. Can you offer some advice on how I should discuss this with him? He was pretty upset during our talk and I want to tread lightly as to not strike a nerve on this sensitive subject. Thanks!
Someone Please Assist Needed Kink Yesterday
So your boyfriend was upset about you looking at some porn on the Internet and taking matters into your own hands? It also sounds like he had a hard time explaining exactly what it was that had him so upset. Well let’s take a look. He could be upset that you are looking at porn without him and wants to feel more included in your sexy time. He could be upset that you are looking at porn instead of having sex with him. He could be upset that he is feeling less desired by you. No matter what the issue here is he needs to spend some time thinking about where this came from and working towards a resolution with you. It isn’t fair to simply say, “This upset me” without an explanation and communication about how to avoid/if this needs to be avoided moving forward.
I would ask your boyfriend to spend some time thinking about what it was that upset him so much and then come to you with his explanation. Look, guys look at porn and jerk off so this is probably not changing anytime soon (sorry honey!). It would be unreasonable of him to ask you not to do this. You are a human being, a biological creature and masturbation is a totally natural part of life. The only other things I can think of is he might possibly have experienced some shame from an adult when he was growing up and is now conveying that to you. This would be something he would need to work through as it would be totally unfair to project those feelings onto you. Best of luck getting to the root of this issue and finding a quick and sexy resolution. Happy humping!
Dear Bottom Whisperer,
I am a thirty-something year old gay man living on the West Coast. A few years ago I contracted HIV and have been living with it and managing it well ever since. I write to you because I have had a lot of trouble finding people who are interested in dating an HIV+ man. In a lot of ways contracting HIV was a very positive thing for me. I had previously been very depressed, insecure and scared about things in my life. I think a lot of this had to do with a very religious and close-minded upbringing. My family disowned me when I came out and I felt very alone and unloved in the world. When I found out I was positive I had this “ah ha” moment where I suddenly felt my mortality and realized that happiness started with me.
So back to my question, am I only allowed to date other poz men since I myself am positive? The gay community seems to alienate us and expects us to leave them alone or grovel when I want to date a negative guy. What is the reasoning behind this? Am I destined to be alone now unless I date other positive men? Many thanks.
Discouraged About Traditional Extracurricular Rules
Thank you for the great question and the inspiring story of your experience living with HIV. I think it is important to recognize that nobody asks to wake up one day with HIV just like nobody jumps out of bed in the morning and decides to be gay. It could happen to any one of us no matter what ‘safer’ sex practices we use. I use to hear a lot of animosity towards people living with HIV. I myself saw people die of AIDS before the breakthrough in treatment we enjoy today and it was a terrible thing.
I have a number of friends who are involved in poz/neg relationships. It takes a great deal of communication, credibility and responsibility from everyone involved. Granted it does add an element to the relationship that has to be respected and given the proper attention. Do I think it is a deal breaker? For some people it is and that is their right. I am not going to tell you that they are a bad person or that they are a jerk because one’s personal health and wellness is a serious issue and not to be taken for granted. Do I think there are negative men out there who don’t get hung up on HIV status, yes they do exist and I know a few. Is there anything holding you back from dating another poz man or does HIV status not even enter the equation when you are looking for a date? Understand that people have a level of comfort with this just as others do with race, gender, sexuality and that is neither good nor bad, it simply is. I commend your transparency in disclosing your status and encourage you to continue to do so. Don’t treat it like a deep dark secret and don’t allow others to shame you for something you didn’t invite and now are responsibly managing. Best of luck!