The Bottom Whisperer: Nothing Compares To You
And if you missed last week’s hurry-column, check it out here!
Dear Bottom Whisperer,
Firstly, huge fan, love your work. I’ve been struggling with the idea of approaching you for advice for a few months now. However, after reading HORNY‘s story in your last post, I knew it was time to man up and start writing.
I’m a Dutch guy dating the most incredible American kid. We have been together for about a year and a half, live together and have a pretty amazing life. The problem is our sex life. We haven’t had any sort of sexual contact since March this year. I mean, we are pros at cuddling, it isn’t enough for either of us and we are starting to drift apart.
Contrary to HORNY’s post, my boyfriend actually WANTS to have sex. I’m the one who wards off his advances and ends up masturbating on my own in the bathroom. Part of it is that I don’t have much of a libido (I’m on anti-depressants); part of it is that I am battling a substance addiction (sober sex doesn’t really compare), and part of it is a severe porn addiction (I don’t jerk off because I’m horny). I am completely attracted to him physically, but on a psychological level, I just can’t turn myself on to him. Because of this, I find myself contemplating looking for this missing intimacy elsewhere, even though I know no amount of sex with strangers will make me feel any better.
This is old behavior for me as I ruined a previous 2-year relationship because I cheated – we also didn’t have any sex for the same reasons listed above. I don’t want to keep making this same mistake, because this guy is my ‘The One” and I don’t want to screw things up. What can I do to salvage our sex life? How do I change my old behaviors and put my energies towards repairing our broken sex life, rather than using it to seek out drugs and willing suitors?
Don’t Understand This Crazy Happening
Thanks for the great question and being a reader! It sounds like you have a pretty good handle on what is going on with you. Your question for me obviously came from quite a bit of thinking and analysis of your behavior. So my question for you is this, what is holding you back from telling your boyfriend these issues that you are struggling with? Why do you feel like you have to suffer through them alone? If your boyfriend is this special guy, he deserves to see the real you and we as human beings are not perfect. I can imagine it must be very frustrating for your boyfriend to see you clearly struggling with these issues and not being able to do anything because you are shutting him out. The problem is that by shutting him out and pushing him away, you aren’t making any progress in resolving these issues by yourself and ultimately, this will be the undoing of your relationship.
So listen up DUTCH, it is time to bite the bullet and have some ‘Comin’ to Jesus’ time. You need to sit down with your partner and tell him what you are going through. He needs to understand what you are going through because right now, you just look selfish and uncommunicative. If you let him in and tell him what’s up with you, he can at least begin to understand and decide if this is something you can work through together. Intimacy comes with trust and understanding and right now you are not affording him the opportunity to gain either with you. It’s time to put up or shut up. Open up to him and get these issues out there. He loves you otherwise he wouldn’t still be there (God knows I’d have left after 6-weeks with no sex).
You have an opportunity to break this cycle of dysfunction but you are going to need to step outside of your comfort zone and put some serious work in. I would also suggest seeking some third-party counseling for yourself and possibly for the two of you. You are the one holding the cards in this situation. Play them right and you might just end up with the results that you are looking for. Best of luck!
Dear Bottom Whisperer,
I am 22-year-old female who has been seeing a great guy for about 4 month. We met through a mutual friend. I have a sneaking suspicion that my boyfriend might be gay or bisexual. For starters, we are very close and have a great time together. At first he was a bit reserved with some of his feminine/sensitive qualities but as he has grown more comfortable with me he has let them show now and again. Whereas guys I have dated in the past were in a rush to get into my pants, he has not been aggressive at all about sex.
My boyfriend comes from a very religious family. He went to a Christian university and his family was pushing him to look into studying ministry like a number of people in his family have. I have gay friends and it just feels like he might be struggling with his own sexuality. A friend of ours recently came out and when we were discussing our friends’ recent admission, my boyfriend got very quiet and seemed to have a lot going on in his mind but simply said, “He deserves to be happy”. Well I am writing you because I think my boyfriend deserves to be happy and I want to help facilitate that and make that as easy for him as possible. I would love some advice.
Boyfriend Excites About RuPaul’s Drag race
First off, let me commend you for your emotional maturity. You have a sense of self that many people twice your age lack. Most questions I receive from boyfriends/girlfriends who think their partner has some homosexual or bisexual tendencies come from a very different place. Most of the time they are looking to expose the person and make the situation about them, which is an ass-backwards way of looking at it. So your boyfriend might have some attraction to men. It also sounds like his upbringing probably has seeded some deep barriers to allow himself to work through these feelings. My advice to you is to simply be a good friend and continue to accept him for who he is. You don’t need to tell him “Hey it’s okay if you are gay” because that really isn’t the issue. What your boyfriend (I’m sorry, it made me chuckle to write that considering the context) needs is love an acceptance, something it sounds like he hasn’t received much of so far in life. If he ever does come to you with feelings he wants to talk about, and it may be a very long time if ever, I would act surprised and let him know that you don’t feel any differently about him as a person.
One of the most degrading things a person can do when someone comes out is say “It’s about time”. That really is very insensitive. Coming to grips with ones sexuality is a very challenging things and when someone trivializes it like that it can be very hurtful. So slow down your rush to nudge your gentleman friend out of the closet or to start talking about guys you think are hot. If you have a great friendship then why not stay the course, in the off chance that you just have a very sensitive boyfriend, you don’t want to step on any toes. Best of luck!