The Bottom Whisperer: Sweet Dreams
Greetings fandome! This week we had a lot of questions about gay social networking sites. Guess things have changed a lot in the past few years. Back in the day you could find a good man at a bowling alley or Bible study. Check out last week’s column in case you missed it!
Dear Bottom Whisperer,
I hooked up with a guy recently off of Grindr. We chatted back and forth a few times and one night he caught me in the right mood and I went over to his house and we had sex. While we were making out he started grinding into me from behind and I had to kinda put the brakes on because I felt like he was trying to put out the feelers to see if I wanted to have unprotected sex. I pulled away from him and said ‘Let’s wrap that thing up and get this show on the road’. He seemed cool enough about it.
I didn’t talk to him for a few weeks but just spotted him on Grindr a couple nights ago and now his profile no longer says HIV-. I am freaking out! Is there any way I could have transmitted something just from the contact back there? And I am also enraged that he would be so irresponsible. I think he might have even lied to me about being negative in the first place. Should I warn other guys about this dirt bag before he infects some other unsuspecting guy?
Guy Revealed Important New Data
Thanks for being a fan of the column and for your question submission. I’ve said it in this column a million times – your sexual health is nobody’s responsibility but your own. If you are meeting random guys off Grindr, you need to be sitting down with them before you have any sexual contact and ask them what their status is and when they were last tested. If you aren’t happy with the answers they provide, then you need to keep it in your pants and leave. I call it ‘the fine print’. If you are meeting strangers off a phone application for sex, they are probably hooking up with other dudes and there is a plethora of things you could potentially be exposing yourself to. Condoms are awesome, please continue to use those but also be aware that things like herpes and syphilis can be contracted simply with skin-to-skin contact. I’m sorry to be a big downer here. I love sex, sex is awesome, I’d have it every day and every different way if I could – sex yay! You have to be aware of the risks out there.
Now as to whether or not I think you should confront this guy, in a word no. If he is lying about his status then he is a shithead and could be prosecuted but you would have to prove that he lied. Your priorities should be to get tested ASAP with an RNA test that will let you know if you have contracted within the past few weeks. But I also want you to know that if it was just some simple grinding, even if there was precum, you are probably in the clear. There are a lot of variables that go into contracting HIV such as viral loads and the type of behavior that was going on. Go get checked up, get off Grindr and please be sure to check ‘the fine print’ as you move forward into other sexual encounters. Trust your gut and make good life decisions please! Best of luck!
Dear Bottom Whisperer,
First off, I love your column and think you give great advice. Hopefully you can help me out with this ongoing issue.
I am 42-years-old, handsome, nice body, and have a huge dick. It is extremely easy for me to find sex. I can go on Grindr or Manhunt and in 5 minutes have 5 to 10 people who want to hook up. Because of this, I have had a lot of sex and a lot of variety in partners. My problem is that I have become so used to the variety that I become bored once I have been with someone 2 or 3 times. Many guys want an ongoing fuck buddy thing but I would rather find someone new and exciting.
I fully admit that I have been a player and this has worked for me. But I’m getting older and would like to find someone to settle down with. I am just worried that I won’t be able to sustain a relationship due to my need to have different experiences in my sex life. Ultimately, I would love to have an open relationship with someone but I don’t know how many guys would be secure with that and I’m not even sure I would be secure knowing my partner was with other guys! I haven’t dated in a couple of years because I have cheated on boyfriends in the past and don’t want to do that to anyone again. But how long can I keep this up? I don’t want to be 50 and alone. Help!
Help Until Now Totally Exited Relationships
Thanks for the great question. Your description of yourself made me chuckle a bit because it sounds like something you’d read in a profile on Manhunt of Grindr. Thank you for letting me know right away how attractive and hung you are, now that we’ve got that out of the way and I also know that you don’t have any issues with self-confidence, we can get to the part where I answer your questions.
It was a wise man by the name of Pavlov who demonstrated the ability to condition animals to certain triggers. The reason I bring this up is because I am the first person to discuss the harm on constantly being on the hunt for guys. I sat at a dinner table with some gays recently and 2 of the people in the group spent nearly the entire time on their phone cruising guys on Grindr (don’t worry, they aren’t my friends, they were brought by one of the other guests). My point is, how do you expect to be able to settle down with one person in a monogamous relationship when you’ve spent years cruising guys for sex day after day? You have a lot of work to do if you want to get there my friend, not the last of which is figuring out your priorities. Do you want to be with someone incredible who makes you feel special or are you just scared your bed-hopping lifestyle will turn off potential partners and you’re going to be alone after 50? What do you really want in this situation? If you really want someone nice, you need to not just talk the talk. Delete Grindr, get off Manhunt and try to emulate what kind of person you would find attractive. A relationship is not all about you and your wants day in and day out. You have to take someone else’s feelings into consideration. Are you ready for that? You’ve got some soul searching to do my friend and this column is not long enough for me to lay it out for you. Here’s a start: figure out what it is you want and then figure out what that looks like. By now you should know what you can and can’t put up with. Be honest with yourself and start curbing your behavior because it is unlikely anyone is going to want to get serious with someone who can’t make it past the third date. Best of luck!