The Bottom Whisperer: Heartbreaker
Greetings everyone! The holidays are upon us! If you’re feeling some holiday gloom or sexual dysfunction your old pal The Bottom Whisperer wants to hear about it! Send mail to [email protected]
Dear Bottom Whisperer,
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 5 years. Around 2 years ago we were getting bored with the sex and decided to spice things up by having a guest star on my boyfriend’s birthday. Shortly after our experience we opened things up. We had a long conversation to set the ground rules and sort through all the ‘what if’ scenarios. For the past two years we have enjoyed playing together as well as some fun on our own, mostly when one of us is out of town. We continue to have an open dialogue about things. Recently when we were ‘taking the pulse’ of our open relationship my boyfriend told me he had pretty much been seeing one person for sex only over the past 8 months. This did not sit well with me and now after much debating, I want to return to monogamy. What is the best way of going about this and do I have grounds to be upset with my boyfriend for seeing only this one person on the side? There is a part of me that feels like he has gone off and had an affair behind my back only it wasn’t behind my back because he had the green light. Bottom line, I am jealous and not happy about his decision to see this person for the past 8 months for sex.
Problem Understanding Lover’s Secret Experiences
Thanks for the great question. Sounds like you have quite the dilemma here. You and your boyfriend agreed together to open things up because you were in need of a jolt in the bedroom. Even better, you guys opened up the lines of communication which is much needed in order to make this arrangement work. The bad news PULSE is that you two decided to open things up together and to close it or move away from it, you both need to agree. Ultimatums here aren’t going to work, guilting him or getting pissed off that he found one particular wang he enjoys more than multiple sex partners.
The problem here PULSE is that you feel like you entered into an airtight agreement with your man that would satisfy both of your needs for a high powered fling and provided you both some variety and now, 2 years into everything, you realize your man has been enjoying the fruits of your agreement it is making you feel insecure about how much he cares about it. Sleeping with just one guy on the side of 8 months, open relationship or not, would make anyone uncomfortable. There’s something between this guy and your boyfriend. It could be totally casual and friendly or there could be a little bit more there. Your boyfriend hasn’t done anything wrong so confronting him or starting a fight isn’t very reasonable. I’d suggest you use those same excellent communication skills you utilized when you two decided to start sleeping with other people to share your feeling of concern and insecurity. Bets of luck!
Dear Bottom Whisperer,
I’m sick of guys canceling on me last minute when I have asked them out on a date. I am sick and tired of the lame excuses. This past weekend I was supposed to meet a guy for drinks and dinner and not 2 hours before our date he sends me a text, doesn’t even have the courtesy to call, telling me his friend just had a knock down drag out fight with her sister and is in tears at his apartment door. I sent back a simple reply of “Good one” to let him know how lame I thought his excuse was.
Why do gay men have such a hard time following up when they say they want to hang out of go out on a date? Do they walk away after accepting my invite to dinner and think ‘On second thought, I don’t really want to go on a date after all”. I’m starting to get jaded and thinking about ditching dating all together. Any advice before I swear men off for the rest of my life?
Just About Done Experimenting
I’m sorry to hear about your dating woes but you have to keep in mind, while dating can be a lot of fun once in a while when you click with someone, you need to manage your expectations. As I mentioned last week, you have to smooch a few frogs before you meet a nice guy you can put up with. There’s no guidebook to dating or love or even just hooking up (which can seem like a chore at times). If you aren’t happy with the results you are getting in the love department, I would suggest shifting your game plan. Do you notice you are meeting guys in a particular place? Well move away from that and try something else for a while. You might gain exposure to a different crowd of eligible bachelors. And as for what you are doing on your dates, do something that takes you or your date out of your comfort zones. Don’t meet for coffee or a drink. Pack a picnic and go to the park, go rock climb or do something you’ve never tried before. If you’re taking guys on boring dates then they are more than likely bored.
I should also warn you about the shortcomings of the jaded gay man. Nobody wants to hear you bitch about your lack of success in the romance department, as in all things in life, you have to be proactive. If you sit back and expect a relationship to fall on your lap, you will be sadly disappointed. Be awesome for yourself first and foremost and it will make the job of finding your next honey boo boo child all that much easier. Best of luck!