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The Bottom Whisperer: Bonafied Lovin’
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Dear Bottom Whisperer,
I’m a 32-year-old gay men living in NYC. I’ve had moderate success dating here in the past few years but it seems like every time I hit the 4 to 8 month mark I have a panic and break things off. The panic comes from the idea that I can’t just run out and jump in bed with some hot guy if the opportunity presents itself. I also feel a lot of stress when I start to feel someone depend on me emotionally. I will do things to sabotage the relationship like start a fight or not call for a few days and then act like everything is cool. How can I work through these issues and possible see someone long-term without breaking things off when I hit the wall?
Wonder About Lessons Learned
Greetings WALL,
What needs to happen here is you need to sit down and decide if you want a high powered fuck every few weeks/months or to see someone regularly with the chance of it developing into something special like a long-term partnership. I think you might have some issues with someone getting close to you and seeing you for who you really are. In that 4 to 8 month period the walls are coming down and we start to see someone, warts and all, for who they really are. Does the idea of someone really seeing you frighten you? It is easy put a pretty face on things at first and even conceal some of our less attractive qualities but sooner or later that well dries up.
I’m curious WALL what it is that makes you want to get to the root of this issue so badly. Do you feel pressure from society and the people around you to find this special kind of partnership or is it something deep down that you really want? Obviously you have a great deal of self-awareness because you recognize when you sabotage things. When you are in that headspace do you ever stop to ask yourself what it is that is making you want to push that person away? I apologize if I’m being skeptical, I just think that we grow up believing that everyone should be with someone for the rest of their life yet so few of us ever achieve it. It sounds like there is some soul searching to do on your side WALL. Best of luck!
Dear Bottom Whisperer,
A close friend recently went through a rather messy break-up. For weeks after the split he was isolating himself, always depressed and just out of sorts. I did the good friend thing and would make him come out and socialize, swing by with coffee to check in on him and make sure he was okay. This went on for about 3 months right after he moved into his own place. Slowly he started to come around and I noticed him being more social and generally just being a happier person. About 6 weeks ago he came out on a weekend with a group of friends and myself. We ended up at a gay bar as we normally do. My friend was flirting and dancing with a really cute guy and after about 30 minutes he said goodnight and left with the guy. I have never seen my friend go home with a guy from a bar before but I figured to each his own. This happened another 3 times since then. We go out in a group he ends up leaving with some guy he meets in a bar. Is it appropriate for me to set a boundary with him about his bed hopping? I’m not comfortable with it and I think he is doing it because he is unhappy.
Upset By Errant Relations
Greetings UBER,
I’m getting some mixed messages here about your concern for your friend. Are you upset because you think he is being irresponsible while hooking up with guys he meets out? My knee jerk reaction was to tell you to simma’ down with the slut shaming. Homeboy is free and easy so he is spending some time being free and easy with some other sexy guys. If he just went through a breakup it makes a lot of sense, to me at least, that he wants to feel wanted and have a connection with someone else, even if it only lasts one night. As long as your friend is making good life choices and not hurting himself or anyone else, let him be. Is his bed hopping causing him to be a bad friend? Part of being a good friend UBER is accepting people for who they are. Let the man get a little tail and don’t demonize him for it. If he starts going off the deep end or isn’t taking responsibility for his sexual health, then there is an issue. If these things are happening then I just think you might want to figure out why your friend getting a little bit of ass is bothering you so much. Best of luck!
