The Bottom Whisperer: Till The World Ends
Greetings blogosphere! The world is supposed to end this Friday! I asked a friend earlier this week if it was too early to start slutting it up. His response was “I started 5 years ago so probably not a good person to ask.” Ha! Enough foreplay, let’s get down and dirty!
Dear Bottom Whisperer,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for nearly a year and are very much in love. There is a little bit of a sensitive subject that I would like your advice on how to bring up with my man. My boyfriend is moderately hairy and spends a lot of time doing whatever it takes to get rid of this body hair. He wants the hair on his head, eyebrows and nothing else. He waxes, plucks, shaves, clips, trims and whatever else a person can do to get rid of all of his body hair. As a result he often has razor burn or had some kind of rash in reaction to his excess grooming. Often time when he takes all of his clothes off he has a lot of bumps and generally uncomfortable looking skin situations going on around various parts of his body. This can be extremely unattractive to me and I find it difficult to get turned on when his crotch looks like a big itchy, red mess. How would I go about telling him in a sensitive loving way that this is grossing me out and maybe he should just try out a little bit more of a natural look? This would also save him a few hours a week of grooming that he could spend with me. Thanks!
Perturbed Lover Upset Causes Known
Thank you for the question and being a TBW reader. You know, we can’t all be hairless twinks forever (not necessarily a bad thing, mind you) but there are those of us who will fight the aging process tooth and nail. Men tend to luck out when it comes to aging gracefully, yet so many of our gay brethren subjugate themselves to the same torturous systems of self-maintenance that your boyfriend is going through. To be honest, there is probably a little bit of a body dysmorphia going on with him. He probably is really not attracted to hairy guys and so, he in turn, finds himself to be not attractive if he has some body hair. Any good esthetician would probably beg and plead with your man to take it easy on the hair removal. It can really do a number on one’s skin, as I found out personally when I was 22 and got a Brazilian wax right before gay pride. Oops!
Listen, you found such a thoughtful way of asking me how to bring this up with your man, I would say you can almost use the exact words you used in your question (I might cut out some of the harsher parts and avoid the word ‘rash’). Tell your man you want to see him a little bit more natural but be ready to assure him that you care about him and love him no matter what. Also let him know his skin probably needs a little bit of a vacation from all the grooming he’s been putting it through. Bad waxing and plucking jobs can leave scars, clog pores and leave skin extremely sensitive. It might take baby steps to start, pick an area for him to try out growing some hair back. If he has a positive reaction to the new look, then maybe you can talk him into more. Best of luck!
Dear Bottom Whisperer,
I’m a 25 in a relationship with a guy whose 32. This will be my first real gay relationship. Previously I was in a relationship with a girl for 5 years. Being a college student I work a full time job, pay my own bills and attending school full time. Most of my free time goes to my relationship. The only problem is that I feel like I’m emasculated in the relationship. I’ve worked for everything I have and my ex and I were both in the same place educationally, professionally and financially. I feel like I bring nothing to the table in this relationship besides love and time. Whenever we do anything I have to be dependent on him in one way or another. This feeling affects our sex life. I’m the top and he is the bottom but I can’t feel like the dominant, aggressive top I like to be, and that he wants me to be, because of the lack of being able to provide. He is a very loving guy and would do anything for but I don’t know what to do about my feelings of emasculation.
Evidence Mounting Against Sexual Compatibility
Thanks for the great question! First, I just want to let you know there isn’t a rule out there that the top has to be daddy and pay for everything and ‘take care’ things like you suggest. There really shouldn’t be a ‘top’ and a ‘bottom’ in a relationship if you want a relationship based on equal footing. Yes it is fine to enjoy one or the other more but you should really be striving for a partnership. Who takes it and who gives it should just be a detail of that partnership, albeit an important one. I’m here to tell you that this has more to do with your lack of security with your sexuality and masculinity, and less to do with the top bottom dynamic. I have friends who are successful in their careers and make boatloads of cash but when it comes to happy time, they are on all fours and really enjoying being told what to do. Being a boss at work doesn’t mean you have to be one in the bedroom. Some people actually like being taken out of a position of power sexually, especially if they spend a lot of time in power at work.
Look, if you dig your man, which it sounds like you do, then quit psyching yourself out or eventually you’re going to talk yourself out of the relationship. Yes, he is a few years older but as long as you are both contributing to the relationship then that contribution should be valued and appreciated. You said “I feel like I bring nothing to the table in this relationship besides love and time.” Well love and time are two of the most important things to contribute in a relationship. Making more money and contributing more financially doesn’t top what love and time do for a relationship. It sounds like it might be time to take a step back and decide what it is you want in a relationship for yourself and what it is you have to offer someone. This is a very healthy thing to do. Hope this helps. Best of luck!