The Bottom Whisperer: Hardcore Girls
Dear Bottom Whisperer,
I’m writing to you as an early 20s gay man. I began dating my current boyfriend when I was in high school, so we’re getting pretty close to the five-year mark. The situation is… complicated. We go to different colleges in different states, and are graduating two years apart because he’s spent the last year and a half abroad. In addition (and this is where it gets hairy), he still identifies himself as ‘straight’ with the claim that ‘he loves me and only me’. Cute, yeah? Except I (and hopefully you) can see that this is probably a crock of shit. Right? Am I crazy? I’m not delusional enough to think that I’m that awesome. Although he’s, without a doubt, my best friend in the world, I’m just ready to move on. I don’t ever get to see him, and it certainly doesn’t help that he usually refers to the person on the phone (me) as his girlfriend around people he’s not comfortable with. I have a penis; I am a guy.
The problem is that he will not let go. I’ve tried to have a rational conversation about how we’re not going to be in the same place for longer than weeks at a time for (at least) two to three years, and how we’re both too young and driven to be tied down and have to worry about how our decisions will affect our LDR, but he’s not having it and insists that we’re perfect for each other. It would be different if we could see each other more often, but we can’t. My current theory is that I’ve become his safety blanket: if he loses me, he’ll have to decide whether to see a guy or gal next. How do I handle this situation? Am I being a total dick/selfish?
Can’t Lose Or Spend Enough Time
Thanks for the great question. It sounds like you and your guy both mean a lot to each other. Five years is a long time to be with someone, so it completely makes sense that he is fighting tooth and nail not to lose you. But there are some issues here that need to be dealt with on his end and have little or nothing to do with you. When your boyfriend says things like he is straight or refers to you as his girlfriend, it sends a message that he is ashamed to own up to who he is. This is a big problem, one that you have been infinitely patient in dealing with. I can understand not wanting to be out at work for professional reasons but your guy needs to come clean and come to grips with himself.
This question reminded me of a phone conversation with a friend a few months back where I could hear her smoking a cigarette while she talked about quitting smoking just a few months previously. Denial isn’t cute nor is it very attractive.
You’ve got every right to end things with your guy. It doesn’t mean you can’t be friends. Right now you are ready to be with someone who is in closer proximity and easily accessible. You also probably want to be with someone who is comfortable with who they are and in turn, won’t be ashamed of their relationship with you. You deserve all of these things just like your guy deserves to own up to who he is and feel good about it. Maybe splitting up will be the thing that can allow him to take a look at things and decide if he wants to be honest about who he is. Breaking up is never fun so I wish you all the best in what is sure to be a big old bummer. Best of luck!
Dear Bottom Whisperer,
Big fan of the column! I thought you’d be perfect to hit up about an issue I’ve been dealing with. My boyfriend and I are in a mixed race relationship, he is white and I am Asian. About a year ago we decided to have an occasional guest star to spice things up in our sex life. This was hard enough as we have different tastes in men. My boyfriend likes them a bit younger and twinky. I myself like more of a jock type with some good meat on his bones. I’ll get to the point here, it is hard enough to find a guy we both are attracted to and would be interested in bringing home, but we have had next to no success finding a guy that is into both of us. They are really into one of us and not the other. This is apparent when we all start getting it on and it eventually turns into one of us getting it on with the guy and the other one of us just sitting back and not really being involved. This isn’t much fun and we are growing really frustrated. What is a young, sex-positive gay couple to do?
Rarely Impressed Considering Extracurricular
Thanks fro the great question. Sounds like you and your man have found something special in each other that isn’t translating to your pool of potential guest stars. Congrats on being secure enough in your relationship and able to communicate and express your desires to enjoy more sexual partners with one another. That can be a very hot thing but, as you have noticed, isn’t always easy to make happen. While I’m sure you’re both great looking guys, many people convince themselves that they are only attracted to one type of person. I myself have dated a wide range of awesome men and women and they each brought with them some awesome lesson or life experience. I strongly encourage people to not lock themselves into seeing one type of person. Now, back to your question. In this case I don’t see a clear answer to your dilemma. You have the option of finding someone with whom you both have more than a physical attraction with but that might encroach on the rules of your relationship. You could always find another couple in a similar situation. In closing, I would just like to advise you to both work on strengthening your sexual and emotional connection with one another. A hot new guy to mess around with can be a fun distraction. Just make sure you are taking care of what you already have. Best of luck and happy humping!