The Bottom Whisperer: One More Chance
Dear Bottom Whisperer,
Big fan of the column and your advice. Hoping you can shed some light on an issue I’ve been having with my boyfriend. Basically, my boyfriend has a much higher sex drive than I do, or at least that is what I thought. We had a good sex life when we started seeing on another. Then, as many relationships do, our frequency for sex slowed down to where it is today. Today, over a year into our relationship, we might have sex 1-4 times a month. The issue is my boyfriend stays up after I go to bed and watches porn every single night. How much is too much and should I be concerned about his porn consumption? I’ve made a lot of efforts to try and spice things up but the guy just likes watching porn more than having sex. Every time I bring it up he gets defensive and I am running out of patience. Could this be the undoing of our relationship?
Unpleasant Nightly Deeds Originating
So it sounds like your man is more interested in taming the spitting cobra than jumping your bones. There are a couple of reasons this could be the case. 1) Masturbation is sex with someone you love, there are no expectations and you don’t have to talk to anyone before/after/during. 2) It feels awesome. 3) It is healthy. 4) It feels awesome.
Usually when frequency of sex slows down, it is a result of you two getting comfortable with each other and less effort going into spicing up that area of your relationship. So you boyfriend likes porn… maybe pop it on while you guys do it or if he is into a particular kind, try and recreate that fantasy for him. Don’t feel backed into a corner or not included in his interest in erotica, use it as an opportunity grow closer to him by inviting yourself to join in on the fun. Whether you choose to take advantage of the rope he’s throwing you here is your choice. Homeboy is clearly horny, really turned on by certain kind of sexual stimulus. Capitalize on this and spice things up. Quit sitting on the sidelines. Be a go-getter! Best of luck!
Dear Bottom Whisperer,
I’m a thirty-something year old gay man. I’m a college graduate, gainfully employed, have a house and a car. I take great care of myself and have an active dating life but no relationships longer than 3 months so far. I’ve recently seen a very nice guy for about a month. We have seen each other about 6 or 7 times total. On our last date he was putting out some serious signals that he wanted to spend the night/get more intimate. Oh yeah, did I mention I’m asexual? Of course I haven’t told my new gentleman friend this. To be honest, I don’t quite understand why I am. I have zero desire to get intimate sexually with someone. I don’t masturbate and have no interest in it. What I do have interest in is being with someone in a long-term relationship. Is this possible without a strong sexual connection/physical relationship? I also need to let this nice gentleman in on why I haven’t given it up yet. Any advice?
Not Obsessed Nor Obligated
Thanks for the great question and being a reader of the column. There could really be hundreds of things that may be influencing your asexuality. You could have something going on hormonally. You could also have some things in your past that have limited your desire for sexual relations. Or you might just be asexual and there is not anything wrong with that. Does it mean you can’t have a meaningful relationship with someone? I would say that which it might present some challenges, you can certainly be happy with someone long-term. This brings me to my next point, in order to do so you will need to have a full disclosure with potential interested parties. The guy you are seeing right now is probably beginning to think you just aren’t that into him. In order to avoid sending these mixed messages you should tell him ASAP what is going on. He is going to have a lot of questions so be ready to help him understand as best as he can. If the idea of a physical relationship is completely off the table, let him know. If it is something you think you could work up to eventually, you should also share this. But if you truly are asexual NONO, there isn’t anything wrong with you.
A number of people identify as asexual and live perfectly normal lives. Ask any gay couple that has been together for more than 5 years and they will probably tell you they’re having as much sex as you are (ha!). In all seriousness, wherever you decide to go with your romantic relationships and the possibility of any physical relationship are up to you and you should respect and honor your feelings. Don’t let someone try to make you be something you’re not. This could be a big challenge since so many people use physical intimacy as a source of validation. You are in an enviable position my friend. A lot of people let their sexual desires control their lives and dictate their relationships. You have the luxury of being free of these issues. Best of luck!