The Bottom Whisperer: Vanished
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Dear Bottom Whisperer,
My best girlfriend has been seeing a guy for about 6 months. When I first met him my gaydar went off big time but I figured I’d let it slide since she seemed to really like him. They got serious and started seeing each other exclusively. He is a very nice guy, fun to be around and treats my friend well. But I just couldn’t shake the feeling that he was a big old homo. In a few social situations I would chat him up about past relationships and ask if he had many gay friends. Either he is extremely secure with himself or the dude has some gay tendencies. He’s sensitive, doesn’t mind talking about his feelings and prefers art and music to sports and dude-bro stuff.
Last weekend we were at a party and everyone had a lot to drink. I made a few sexual jokes and was giving him a hard time. At some point I crossed a line and he became very uncomfortable and my friend became very upset with me. I may have jokingly tried to sit on his lap and plant a kiss on him, I’m not exactly sure. I would never betray my friend and put the moves on her man like that but this little part of me was feeling it out because I still think he might be gay. Is there a way that I can explain that to my friend or is it best just to grovel and blame too much booze?
Shouldn’t Let Extreme Urges Take Hold
*takes a few deep breaths* Oh boy. Where do I start here? There are so many things wrong with what is going on here. I hope I can keep my wits about me and answer these issues in a constructive way. Let’s start with this… why does it matter if this guy is gay? What is people’s fascination with pointing out everyone’s sexuality? Does it make you feel high and mighty as a gay man that there is another person out there who might be struggling with their sexuality and you are out and proud, waving your rainbow flag and marching in the pride parade? So what if this guy has been with men, likes being with men, might be interested in being with men in the future. Big fucking deal. Get over it.
I also really don’t approve, and I’m sure your friend doesn’t either, of your process of approval for the people that she dates. If she is happy and he treats her well, you should be happy for her and minding your own business. Seriously, this fascination with people’s sexuality baffles me. I don’t get what the big deal is. I also really find this kind of reverse homophobia really gross. Put yourself in this guy’s shoes. Before you were out to your friends wouldn’t you have been humiliated if someone treated you like this? SLEUTH, I know you think that you were being a good friend here and looking out for your best girlfriend’s best interests here, but the real big picture here is that you made some very inconsiderate and hurtful decisions. How about instead of groveling and blaming the booze, you have a think about what really went down here and learn and grow from it. That apology might actually carry a bit more weight. Best of luck!
Dear Bottom Whisperer,
I’m a thirty-something gay man living in NYC. A friend of mine and I were discussing the perils of being a single gay man in a big city. My friend confessed to me that he looks at potentials dates and judges them on a point system. Categories included were physical appearance, financial success, how good they are in bed and age. His goal in life is to end up with a top percentile guy. If he is dating a few different guys, he will always hold out for the higher rated guy before getting serious. This got me thinking, are gay men really that shallow that they size each other up on a point system? Is there some secret hidden spreadsheet on gay men’s computers with a set of numbers assigned to different guys they’ve dated. It should come as no surprise that my friend works in finance at a big NY firm. What’s a guy without the latest of Excel to do to find love?
Please Offer Insight Needing Truth
It’s true, sometimes dating and being a single gay man could pass for one of Dante’s 7 layers of hell. But please allow me to debunk your finance driven friend’s point system. What you and I value could very well be completely different from what he values. Yes, we all would love to be with someone we find insanely attractive but even this is completely subjective. I was having lunch with my friend recently who was bummed because a man he was going gaga for out at a bar was clearly a daddy hunter and was throwing himself at a much older gentleman. Everyone has had a similar experience where they had the hots for someone who was into a very specific type of girl/guy. It sucks but there is nothing we can do about it and it isn’t something we should take personally.
Is “spreadsheets of men” 2013’s version of binders of women? What kind of frenzy has Mitt Romney sent the gay community into? Government conspiracy? Don’t worry about your score, keep kissing frogs and eventually you’ll find your prince or maybe someone who could pass off as the artist formerly known as Prince. Best of luck POINT!