The Bottom Whisperer: Dude Looks Like A Lady
Momma’s got places to be so let’s get down to business!
Dear Bottom Whisperer,
I’m a 23-year-old gay man who has been with his boyfriend for almost a year. My boyfriend is a few years older than me and has had more sexual partners which makes me feel a bit insecure sometimes. I feel like my boyfriend has a hard time asking for what he wants in bed and I just don’t get as much positive feedback about our sex life as I would like. I don’t need him to tell me every time that that was the best he’s ever had or anything, but I just worry that he isn’t completely satisfied sexually. I had 3 sex partners before my boyfriend and 2 of them were only one time. This is my first time to have sex with someone consistently. I feel like I am learning a lot from our sex life. What can I do to be a better lover for my boyfriend?
Being Excited Sometimes Turbulent
Thanks for your question and being a reader. Getting into a long-term intimate sexual relationship can be both amazing and full of challenges. On one hand you now have the luxury of having someone with whom you can open up, express your desires and rely on for more regular sexual encounters. On the other hand, issues like insecurity and poor communication can rear their ugly head making things feel more stressful than they need to be. My stance on having a great sex life is that you get as much back as you put in (no pun intended). If you want to better understand what turns your man on you’d best be served to open up some lines of communication. Be aware that there is a tactful way of letting someone know that there are things that they feel you can do better and vice versa. Keep it positive by pointing out things about your partner that put you over the top and things that they really do well in the bedroom. It could just be a matter of your man filling you in on some areas he wants you to spend more time on.
Another thing that might be worth looking into here BEST, is that at 23-years-young and with just a handful of sexual partners, there are things about yourself that you still need to discover. This can happen with you boyfriend or on your own. Seek out news erotica and fun accessories to improve your own personal intimate time. You may stumble across something that really gets you all revved up and ready to go. The important thing is not to feel powerless in this situation; on the contrary you’ve got all of the power here. Be proactive and open-minded for these two qualities will take you far in life and in the bedroom. Happy humping!
Dear Bottom Whisperer,
I’m a thirty-something year old straight woman who lives in Texas. Recently a close friend of mine who is a few years older than I am told me that her husband does female impersonation sometimes. I wasn’t quite sure what she meant so I asked for her to explain some more. It turns out that her husband dresses in drag and goes out to gay bars and performs a few times a month. I didn’t understand how she could feel so comfortable with her husband doing this. I didn’t want to pry but I asked her if she thought he had any homosexual tendencies. Her answer was that he was completely straight but this was just something he liked to do for fun. I asked her how long it had been going on and she told me that he started doing it about 10 years ago (they’ve been married for just over 15 years). I myself could never agree to let my husband do something like this. I have never met a straight man that dresses in drag so this would really upset me. I am wondering if my friend is just in denial or if her husband is being totally honest with her. I’m trying to decide if it is my duty as her friend to try and talk some sense into her. How do you think I can do this without isolating her or losing her friendship?
Confused About Recent Information
I understand that you are trying to be a good friend here but surely you have to be able to recognize that you are being really closed-minded about the situation here. So your friend confides in you that her husband likes to do drag and perform and you immediately assume that he is a homosexual and she is in denial. Has anything else ever lead you to believe that your friend’s husband is gay or would you never have thought/felt this way had she not shared this info with you? Yes, the majority of men who do drag are gay men but that isn’t some kind of unspoken rule. The guy likes to dress up and saunter around on stage lip-syncing Cher numbers, big deal!
Look CARI, your friend has been with this guy for 15 years. The fact that they have enough trust for him to say “Hey honey, I kinda wanna dress up like a woman and perform in gay bars on the weekends” means that they have a lot of trust in one another and incredible communication skills. Hell, most people have a hard time asking for what they want in the bedroom, much less sharing that they want to dress up like a woman. I think the best course of action here for you in one of inaction. Instead of judging and figuring out how to rectify the situation, why not sit back and try to learn something from it? Clearly you have the pleasure of knowing two people who love and accept one another, warts, wigs and all. Maybe you should join your friend in going to check him out in one of his shows and see what it is that he enjoys so much about doing female impersonation. Most drag performers relish the chance to step outside of themselves and portray a character. Don’t embarrass yourself here by assuming you know better based on one conversation than the two of them do from their 15 years together. Best of luck.