The Bottom Whisperer: Someone To Love Me
Let’s get to it!
Dear Bottom Whisperer,
I seem to have put together an amazing run, quite possibly a world record, of meeting guys who aren’t really looking to settle down and get serious. What does this mean and how do I attract these type of guys? A friend of mine suggested that these guys are just looking to date casually and have a little bit of fun but that isn’t really where my priorities are. I’d like to meet someone nice and get into a committed relationship. What am I doing wrong and where should I be looking for this illusive relationship focused man?
Help Educate Lovely Person
I think your mindset here is a little bit of the problem. I don’t feel like you magically meet a nice guy who is ready to settle down because you woke up one morning and decided you were ready. And I think this attitude often comes off as desperate. What ever happened to just meeting someone and enjoying them without planning out the next 5 dates, 5 years, 15 year mortgage? It’s like people decide “I’m ready to settle down” and so they put forth that energy and are upset when others don’t find it attractive. You’re going about it the wrong way. Live your life, have fun, be interesting, go out with and kiss a bunch of dudes and have fun because one day when you’ve been with someone for a long time you are going to wonder if you had enough fun while you were single and then you are going to fill up my inbox with questions about how to maintain your relationship while trying to go back and have some of the fun you didn’t have when you were younger because you decided you were ready to settle down and have a relationship. Got me? Quit obsessing about being ready and go with the flow. I’ve never heard someone in an awesome relationship say “I was just ready and the next day we met and the rest is history” because it doesn’t happen like that. Save that sound decision-making for things like choosing cellular telephone plans and car loans and leave a little wiggle room, enthusiasm and imagination for matters of the heart. Best of luck!
Dear Bottom Whisperer,
Am I the only gay man in the world who doesn’t give 2 shits about gay marriage? All of my friends here in NYC are planning their weddings, registering for gifts and planning honeymoons. My partner and I have been together for 12 years and even when all the fuss about legalization of gay marriage was coming up, neither of us had any interest in getting married. Why are so many gay men obsessed with it? Like once they say “I do” they will magically be welcomed with open arms by heterosexuals. I think it is a farce and I struggle with sounding like a cynic when people I’m friendly with start blabbering about getting hitched. I just really don’t care. Am I a terrible friend if my lack of caring stops me from even wanting to attend or be a part of my friends’ gay weddings?
Interesting Details Ongoing Need Tutelage
Thanks for the great question. You just single-handedly shattered my hopes and dreams of getting a Vita-Prep mixer through my Bed, Bath and Beyond wedding registry. In all seriousness, good for you that wedding bells aren’t something that matter to you. I personally am not a God-fearing Christian and since marriage is an institution of the church, I have no interest in it. I’m happy to meet the man of my dreams and kick out a couple of bastard children without all the shmancy wedding festivities, endless buffet and watching members of my family try to do the YMCA at the reception afterwards. As a matter of fact, I have solid evidence that suggests I might burst into flames if I even step foot inside of a church.
The fact of the matter IDONT is that many people form their ideas of an ideal relationship from their parents. Since the majority of us don’t have the luxury of being exposed to gay relationships while growing up, we look at straight relationships and often try to emulate them ourselves. There’s nothing right or wrong about it, it just is.
Good for you that you don’t feel the need to get married to your partner. That is absolutely your choice and should be neither here nor there. But there is something slightly ungracious about being able to share in other people’s happiness, even if you don’t share their feelings on the importance of the act of marriage. Don’t be the anti-marriage guy as much as the guy who doesn’t put much into marriage for himself. There is something special about two people standing up in front of friends and family and committing their lives to one another, even if it doesn’t work for you and me. Best of luck!