The Bottom Whisperer: Independent Women
Let’s get to work, I’ve got 2 weeks worth of column to dish up…
Dear Bottom Whisperer,
I’m seeing an amazing guy right now and things are getting pretty serious between us. I couldn’t be happier with the majority of our relationship. We have a number of similar interests, views on life and neither of us take things too seriously. We are a great match with the exception of one area… I enjoy really kinky sex and my boyfriend is just not that kinky. When I say I enjoy kinky sex I mean I mostly want to be completely dominated, degraded and built back up by a strong master. My boyfriend is just not that open to this level of erotic intimacy and intensity. I should also mention he had a physically abusive father and this might be playing part in his hesitancy to fulfill these fantasies for me. I just don’t think I can be happy long-term with someone unless they can help me realize this level of sexual intimacy. How can I express the seriousness of this to my partner without pushing him away?
Someone Must Attempt Coupled Kinks
Look, I’m gonna level with you on this. I read your question over twice and I am having an extremely difficult time with your lack of empathy. You’re seeing a great guy yadda yadda yadda. You get along so great yadda yadda yadda. You care for him so much yeadda yadda yadda… BUT he’s not kinky enough for you and this is a deal breaker. Don’t you dare try and make this person who had to endure physical and emotional abuse from someone who was supposed to support and love him recreate these kind of scenarios to give you your jollies. Try and use your brain a bit here my dear and put yourself in his shoes. Of course he isn’t into this desired “level of intensity” because it isn’t intensity for him, it’s degrading and hurtful. Get your head on straight and decide if your lust for kinky sex is more important than his feelings and basic human dignity (because that is what the real issue is here).
Relationships are about compromise and trust. How can you possibly expect to build trust with him when you’re tapping into a painful childhood experience on a nightly basis so you can get off? Please do some serious soul searching on this and decide what is really important because the things you are currently giving weight too sound very backwards. It’s almost as if you got a new car for your 16th birthday but you’re mad because it isn’t a convertible. Best of luck.
Dear Bottom Whisperer,
I am a 30-something year old gay man living in New York City. My friend group ranges across many demographics in age, race and socio-economic backgrounds. At a recent gathering a number of my gay male friends began discussing qualities they look for in a long term partnership. Aside from the obvious charms of romance, attractive looks and intellect, I was disappointed to hear how many of these friends of mine, people who I enjoy spending time with and value and appreciate their opinions, put such great value into financial elements. By value, I mean first of second thing mentioned and when the issue of finances became a focus of the discussion I was surprised how nonchalantly people discussed dumping previous boyfriends and lovers because they didn’t make enough money. I find this way of thinking really disturbing and pretty gross. Is this really what the gay dating landscape looks like in this day and age? Are we so far removed from romance, chivalry and chemistry between two people that we are more interested in a bank statement than who the person is?
Gay Opinions Looking Doubtfully Yuppy
I’m surprised by how openly people discuss a number of racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic topics all in the name of “their type”. I think I use to be the most surprised at how accepted it is within the GLBT community (particularly the Gs) who will march for equal rights but then deny imparting them upon their fellow gay brethren. I applaud you for sticking to your guns and not just going with the gold-digging flow at this social gathering. I’ve always been a huge proponent of equal footing and actual partnership in my relationships. I don’t understand or have any interest in the daddy and boy power dynamic. I wish I could tell you that we made up the majority but sometimes I question that myself. I do know that being true to yourself and looking for qualities that you mentioned will probably lead to more sustained success in a romantic relationship than credit limits and holiday bonuses. Like the old saying goes “You can’t take it with you”. Best of luck!