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Can You Cuddle the Gay Away? (Seriously)

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cuddle the gay away, pray the gay away, ex-gay cuddling

Nom nom nom.

The fact that Ex-Gay Therapy is universally denounced as harmful and scientifically unsound (Re: bullshit) by every single national medical, psychological and psychiatric organization doesn’t stop loonies like Marcus Bachmann from giving it the old college try.

Ex-Gay Conversion Therapy relies heavily on Christian teachings to…you know what? It doesn’t matter. It’s a total crock of shit. You can’t pray the gay away. You just can’t.

But can you cuddle it away? (Hint: Also, no.)

The idea behind cuddle conversion is that homosexuality — or same-sex attraction (SSA), as proponents prefer to call it — is caused in part by a lack of fatherly love and affection. The thinking is that when boys miss out on healthy same-sex affection, they eroticize all male touch. Wyler, a “life coach” and founder of People Can Change, runs the “Journey Into Manhood” weekend retreat, which is heavy on physical contact, from wrestling to bear hugs.

Writer Ted Cox went undercover last year at one of these workshops and detailed his close encounters for Alternet:

I sat on the floor between the outstretched legs of a camp guide, my head leaning back against his shoulder. The guide sat behind me, his arms wrapped around my chest. This hold was called “The Motorcycle.” Five men surrounded the two of us, their hands resting gently on my arms, legs and chest.

While in this position, Cox writes that he felt “the unmistakable bulge pressing through [the guide’s]tight jeans.” But erections are just a part of the healing process! As Richard Cohen, the progenitor of cuddle conversion, wrote in his book “Coming Out Straight,” “It is natural for us to feel stimulation when we are intimate with either someone of the same or opposite sex.” He also warns, “Do not become hooked on holding,” because “this technique can be addictive.”

Um…no. You probably don’t need me to tell you this, but Cuddle Conversion has been linked to sexual abuse. No, not counseling and treatment for sexual abuse victims, but actual sexual abusing itself.

It was revealed in the mid-’80s that Colin Cook, founder of Homosexuals Anonymous, was giving clients naked massages … to combat their gayness. He told the Los Angeles Times, “I allowed myself to hug and hold my counselees thinking I was helping them. But I needed it more than they did.” Then, in the mid-’90s after restarting his practice, he was outed again for using massages, hugs and mutual masturbation with his young male clients to “desensitize” them to their same-sex desires. Allan Downing, a therapist at Jews Offering New Alternatives to Homosexuality, was accused by two clients of having them take off their clothes and masturbate in front of him as part of the healing process. There are other cases, but you get the point.

Here’s some old-timey Daily Show with more:

Here’s the thing, self-hating homos: You’re gay. And it’s kind of the best. No accidental baby-making, no long hairs clogging the shower (Sorry lesbians faced with double long hair clogging the shower), and you double your wardrobe every time you start a new serious relationship. Also, there is blueberry vodka at every gay bar in the country. These are nothing to scoff at. Get over yourself. Get into yourself. Because you’re great. And you’re gay. And a lifetime spent trying to pray, cuddle, or talk your way out of it isn’t going to change it.

The entire piece over at Salon is well worth a read. Bizarre, and a total crock of shit, but well worth a read.

  • Anonymous

    “no long hairs clogging the shower”

    Since when was being a gay guy and long haired mutually exclusive?

  • These therapy look actually pretty awesome.

  • Gay male who used to have long hair. here 🙂

  • what’s up with the video it’s all stretched please fix it thank u

  • Where can I sign up for this?  I know from experience you never stop at cuddling. 😉

  • umm i’ll totes sign up for some conversion therapy if it means i get to cuddle with attractive guys as part of the “therapy”  who cares if it doesnt work! 😛

  • Anonymous

    Sounds a little like “Ex-Straight-Conversion-Therapy” to me.. AND INCREDIBLY HOT. LET’S START A GROUP!

  • sign me up for this group! hot shit

  • Anonymous

    I’ve always told my straight friends the difference between a gay man and a straight one is two beers and a massage. Seems you can skip the beers if you have a bible handy.

  • Trenton Flock

    They actually named the hug position “The Motorcycle.” O please Lord, tell me that they also practice The Piledriver and The Wheelbarrow and The Tangled Spider. Those are my FAVORITES.

  • Ashlei Kennybrew

    can the lezzies cuddle too??? lesbians need love too…bahahhha!!!

  • Sierra Vail

    No kidding! I want to start a lezzy cuddle group!

  • Hugh Junque

    This is what I’ve been saying all along

  • Kit Foxley

    since when do all or even most lesbians have long hair? lol

  • Cuddle me bum

  • Daniel J McEwen

    I had plenty of affection from my father.  I used to sit with him in his easy chair while he read the paper or maybe while watching TV.  I’m still a homo.

  • This just confirms my theory that all straight women must be gay men. Therefore, all marriage is gay marriage. Thank you, science.

  • once im cuddling with guys i want more then just cuddle lol.

  • Anonymous

    There’s a group of wackos on Facebook called “Transitions ex-gay” who actually believe in all this garbage

  • Jake

    I met Richard Cohen at a mens retreat. His flame burns bright if you know what I mean… I was young and naive. He is now a member of the worldwide Unification Church, where Rev. Sun Myung Moon matched Richard up with his present day wife. He matched him entirely on how each of their faces were shaped. Yep faces.. not what they had in common, or any attraction, etc. but face shapes.

  • These closet cases need to realize what they are doing is counter intuitive, and well,.. just another where to keep the homosexual vulnerable to freaks like these.  

  • I found this part of the article helpful Thank you
    “Get over yourself. Get into yourself. Because you’re great. And you’re gay. And a lifetime spent trying to pray, cuddle, or talk your way out of it isn’t going to change it.”

    Having been raised christian and all the other faiths during my spiritual journey.. coming to terms with my sexuality has been difficult.