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Dear Unicorn Booty: A Letter From A Totally Insane, Organless Christian

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dear unicorn booty, crazy christian, organless christian, insane christian

The horror.

We received this little gem at the UB tips email address this morning from a woman named Allison. Enjoy.

GOD IS NOT WILLING THAT ANY SHOULD PERISH, BUT THAT ALL MIGHT BELIEVE ON HIS NAME-JESUS. UNNATURAL AFFECTION TOWARD THE SAME SEX IS CONDEMNED. Repent & be baptized! Jesus said, “I am God there is none besides me.” “I am the Way, the Truth & the Life. No man comes to the Father except by me.” “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son that whosoever believes in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” “For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.” “As many as received Him to them He gave the power to become the sons of God the Fathereven to those who believe on His name.” Jesus’ healing ministry began with adult baptism.

A New Agenda: We the people need no gas & no electric to have a man child with the spouses of our youth around the world. We shall build homes without electric, without gas, without roofs that exceed 7 & 1/2 feet, & with incinerators to burn garbage, burn dung, burn urine, & burn blood rags so that the entire sisterhood has a man child with the husbands of their youth.

TAKE MY CONFESSION WITH YOU. I have smoked cigars for 11 years & have no lungs, liver & kidneys at 44 years old. I continue to live through the Lord Jesus Christ as I received the Holy Spirit at 4 years old & was baptized as an adult in 1997. I continue to read my Bible & now use burned dung, urine, blood rags & tobacco butts to make meat offerings to eat. The Old Testament says that burned dung, urine, & blood rags were a part of the laws of Moses. Yes, it was in 2001 while I was driving to Florida that I was talking to the saints in heaven & Isaiah said, “You know that 70 years from now the sun will be dimmed in the sky” Oh, I said, “I don’t know.” I went back over the Old Testament & it said, “The sun shall be dimmed in the sky” & “I shall make them eat the grass of the field.” & “all these things shall come to pass” before the Lord Jesus Christ returns.

4 years ago I was stamping my feet at work over the excessive electric usage & complaining that I didn’t have a husband & children to God the Father. I prayed, kneeling at my bed as to adopting children. Then while I was at work I adopted over 500 children in Swahili (I was born with a spot-was a reject in Hebrew) to find out what day it was. I had been taught prophesy at Wheaton Evangelical Free Church in 1979 & 1980. We went back & forth in time while Governor Blagovich was verifying. We came up with 17 years of darkened sun before July 29, 2081.

July 29, 2081-the rapture of believers in Christ Jesus-all those who received the Holy Spirit-at the trumpet sound in heaven-1st the dead & then the living ascended to heaven in a twinkling of an eye

uly 29, 2081-2088-the Great Tribulation-God’s wrath is poured out on the earth, Judgment of the Believers in Christ Jesus & the Marriage Supper of the Lamb in heaven

2088-3057-the Reign of Christ Jesus-(the Bible stated “1000 years” & in actuality it was 969 years)

Armageddon-the nations are drawn together for the last battle in the Valley of Megiddo-the Lord Jesus comes down of a white horse with the words, “King of Kings, Lord of Lords” written on His thigh & a sword comes out of His mouth to destroy all who are in the battle. The bible says that the blood runs a “horses’ bridle high” & birds feed on the bodies.

3059-the old heavens & the old earth pass away & the new heavens & new earth are created by the Lord Jesus Christ-at this point in time the Lord Jesus says, “Depart from me I never knew you.” to all who died in the battle of Armageddon, to those who took the mark of the beast in their right hand or forehead during the tribulation, to all who died during our time without receiving the Holy Spirit, & to all those who died during the flood of Noah’s day in wickedness. Jesus says, “In this world you shall have trouble, but I have overcome the world.”

Ahh yes. It’s all so clear now. Thanks!

  • “[I] have no lungs, liver & kidneys at 44 years old.”

    Pics or it didn’t happen.

  • Sounds like my Grandmother haha

  • i’m trying to figure out what is trying to be said…all i hear is bla bla bla and i have no brain, bla bla bla, and i have no clue what i’m talking about…some one please help me out with this…

  • Anonymous

    I think she got this letter in the mail when she ordered that ‘piece of the cross’ for $50.

  • Ask yourself:  “Does Poe’s Law apply to this?” 

  • Just wondering…when did being GLBT equate not believing or accepting of the love and salvation of the Incarnation of the Living God, the Lord Jesus Christ?  I mean, if I remember correctly, the gospels never discuss things like homosexuality or racial inferiorities. In fact, its like listening to a hippie’s stoned rant. Peace and Love. Like, Jesus’ new rules (because the Jews took the old ones way too seriously) were Love God and Love your neighbor as yourself. That can be interpretted according to the individula but its pretty obvious. Another thing I wonder…Do “christian” fundamentalists know how IGNORANT they look to the Jews and theologians? One of my Jewish friends is outright offended that they (“christian” fundamentalists) use their (the Jewish community) rule-book. Just totally putting the idea out there.
    Peace and Love, Ladies and Gents.

  • Wow I had no idea that you could live without you lungs, liver or kidneys. Learn something new everyday. Well apparently some people don’t, they prefer to just stay in their close minded uneducated ways.

  • Trenton Flock

    OMG, I’m so jealous. If I could just lose my lungs, liver, and kidneys without losing my head like this one, I would be at my goal weight *snap* like that. Perhaps, it’s time to give religion another try.

    Dear God: Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me…thou annointest my head with oil…my cup runneth over.

    Ahhhh, men…

  • William Bellanger

    …there are few words… O.o

  • Jim Otey

    Holy CRAP. I didn’t realize Courtney Love had been “born-again.” Now THAT’S bat-shit crazy. Oh, excuse me, bat-DUNG crazy…

  • Chris Pappas

    humor challenge….who can take all these words in the letter (re using every one) and make it it sound the way it really should…  

  • Kayla Garza

    Sha adopted 500 Swahili children? What??

  • Nurmi Hussein Husa

    Oh. Oh, dear. Oh. Oh, MY! 

  • e

    Kill it with fire!

  • Nicole Schock

    I bet Bachman taps her for VP.

  • J. Patrick Curley

    The
    Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments
    to heterosexuals. Do not panic…it doesn’t mean that God doesn’t love
    heterosexuals. Maybe It’s just that they need more supervision.

  • In my opinion.. that letter was entirely too long! All I really got was blah blah blah.. Jesus.. Blah blah blah.. electric usage.. Blah blah blah I am a lonely 44 year old woman with no husband/wife or kids and I have nothing better to do than E-mail those.. *gasp* gay people and preach to us about things she obviously knows nothing about. Thank you Allison! Here.. have a cigar.

  • Ashley Valencia

    …What? Seriously this was all I got: “Blah blah I don’t have organs. Blah blah, 500 Swahili children. Blah blah blood rags. Blah blah Jesus. Blah blah I suffered a terrible head injury as a child.” Was she on crack or something? I’m pretty sure Jesus frowns on crack. Blood rags? Really? What century is she living in that she can send an e-mail (no matter how nonsensical it is) but still calls them blood rags? I want me a man child!

  • Kit Foxley

    xrays or it didn’t happen! 😉

  • Anonymous

    Is she saying that the women of the world are supposed to get pregnant by their son-in-laws?

  • Anonymous

    the village just called, they want their psycho back.

  • Paige Hutzell

    Ohhhh wow. xDDDDD This is the reason I hate god freaks.

  • She have no husband ? HOW COULD THIS BE ?!?!?! I think its a great ecological idea to incinerate dung blood and piss I bet that if every house would have that device in their home the world would really end in 2012. I think shes totally insane because I dont have a freaking clue of what shes talking about.

  • Kati Mae

    It sounds like this woman is suffering from a serious mental illness, and publicly mocking her for disordered thinking that is probably completely beyond her control is cruel and offensive. I understand that she wrote to you first, but the appropriate thing to do here is file her message away and move on with your life, not post it on your blog and encourage people to take cheap shots at people with mental illness. This is not an otherwise rational and mentally competent person making dumbass comments about homosexuality – this is a symptom of a terrible sickness that is probably putting this woman and her family through quite enough torment without your help.

  • …Why does my brain hurt?

  • This is the results of a person who has drove themselves crazy with religion. Or was she crazy to start with? Either way , the woman speaks moron with perfection. BTW, people who say they are Christians lie too   

  • Chelsea Perren

    How does one adopt 500 Swahili children?

  • Ugh, cry me a river. Mind if I daub your bleeding heart with some old cloth so I can have some blood rags to burn?

  • haha if this person is really alive without lungs liver or kidneys at 44 years old they have to be artificial or this is a total fake